Well I was gone for a minute

Sorry for my absence but I guess I don’t deal with death all that great.  I mean no guess, I know I don’t deal well.  The reality of immortality not existing on the Earth, hit me when I lost not one, but both of my grandfathers in the span of well a little less than two weeks.  I can’t begin to even put any kind of handle on the grief I’ve been dealing with not to mention my parents, their siblings, my sister, my mamaw.  What a tough month.  I know they are better off and happy and no pain and at the foot of Jesus and all that really good and cool stuff that happens when we pass but, why?  Why did my Papal just up and leave us with no warning?  You never cherish your grandparents enough I don’t believe, before they leave you.  Yes, its temporary but too often I’m confronted with this feeling of regret.  Don’t get me wrong, I have tons of fond memories of my Papal and Wello, but what if I had just a few more visits with them.  My Papal was a great man, he really cared a great deal about his family.  He worked so hard his entire life, and was just beginning to enjoy it the last few years, this year especially because him and my Mamaw finally built that pool that they wanted.  I swam today in his pool, that will always be his pool and as I swam deeper and deeper down to the bottom, I caught a feel of my Papal, I can’t really describe it but I know he’s still enjoying that pool.  I think its really sad that the first time all his grandchildren got to enjoy it together, he was not there and that this last time we took the boat out, he wasn’t there.  Except that he is, and he was.  The clouds broke and the sun shone down on that water in the ocean/bay, whatever water we were in and I know that was my Papal telling his sons, you did good…you got this boat out here without me. 12068892_10156606834310131_400005841944282088_o

There will be a lot that will be done without him but he’s still with us.  I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t crying as I wrote this.  We all deal with grief differently.  My way has always been to run, in this instance, I’ve run away from all my responsibilities and I’m desperately clinging onto the only grandparent I have left.  Which is a good thing…well the spending time with Mamaw bit but the running away from life not so much.  Papal worked hard his entire life, Welo too and I know that I’m not working as hard as I could, and I’m not doing what I’m passionate about as much as I should be but I know that life slows down for no one, no matter how much pain you may be feeling.  My grandfathers taught me a lot about the way I want to live my life, they taught me a lot about the kind of man I want to marry some day.  It breaks my heart to think that if that day ever comes, they won’t be there to share it with me.   My grandfathers were two of the manliest men I knew.  I can’t rewind time, but I can thank you for everything you did for me, that made my life better, easier.  Thank you for the love and memories you’ve given me.  When I think of my childhood, it will be remembered with big bear hugs and bristly kisses from that hairy chin of Papals.  I’ll remember all of the summers spent in Austin at my Mamaw and Papals house, my happy place, the above ground pool that was the best pool ever at that time.  Being dragged to the ranch even though I didn’t want to go, I wish so much that I could go up there one last time with you.  You staring at my ears the last couple of years and swearing they were bigger and me lying saying they weren’t (I promise I’ll take the damn gauges out and I would have took them out faster if you would have just stayed)  I love you Papal…there are not enough words to express the love I have for you, or the right ones to tell the world what an incredible grandfather you were.  Until we meet again.12036517_10156554327800131_8616223280686643446_n12006327_10156579723615131_6557105833704296730_n

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