Annie are you okay?

Today I went to see Andrea Gibson perform.  Not a huge deal, I’ve seen them a few times now but, I watched as they became triggered on stage.  See, this whole night was a little off for me.  Seems I’ve been triggered all evening.  I spent 7 years in an abusive relationship and I’m not quite sure that I’ve completely healed from that.  Like, how does one even know they are healed from that?  Time keeps going and yet I’m still standing still.  The thing that hurts the most about everything is that I’ve lost sight of who I am.  Every now and then I’ll gain perspective as to who I am, who I was, who I should be but its just a glance.  It seems to leave as fast as it appears.  Anyway back to my night, I sensed that their opener was super down and my heart kind of stayed in that mood with her.  I have this theory that I feel too much.  I can’t really feel my own emotions, but I feel everyone elses and tonight I felt hers.  So as I sat there, alone I felt as though I was heart broken.  In a sense I am…but how so?  There’s been a void in my heart for awhile now and I’m not sure what that is.  I’ve neglected my devotionals, my workouts, my writing, etc. people keep asking me if im okay…No, I’m not okay and what even is okay?  Is okay living day to day around a work schedule and avoiding anything and everyone else?  Is okay waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare that shakes you to your bone?  Is okay living in a three room house alone and realizing more and more everyday that the probability of you being alone forever is pretty big.  My mind is a mess of thoughts and words all jumbled up that I’m afraid I won’t get written down and will escape before I can put a handle on what I’m feeling.  No, Im not okay.  Not in a sense that okay would be a good thing cause I’m still trying to figure out what that even means.  I’m not sure that anyone is comprehending what I feel.  Im not sure that I’m comprehending what I feel.  I just know that okay is a cruddy term to deem ones mood.  Tomorrow is a new day in which I choose to work on me.  I will arise from sleep with a fresh head, clear eyes and razor sharp focus…or something like that.


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