Time, is it on my side?

The thing about life, it goes pretty fast.  One minute you’re 18, thinking that you have it all figured out, running away from your dad being sick and then the next minute, you’re 29.  But where did all those years go?  I keep thinking about life and living.  It scares me to think about the limited time we have with our loved ones, and the fact that they could be here one day and gone the next with no warning.  I’ve been blessed with an amazing family and with amazing friends.  I’m not good with emotions, and I’m sometimes really selfish but I don’t know where I would be or what kind of person I would be without them.  They each hold a special place in my heart.  I strayed from my parents during the typical teenage rebellion years and I’m glad to say that the relationship we have now is something that I never thought would be possible back then.  They are the ones that taught me how to be a decent human being.  I didn’t know how to deal with my dad being sick when he was doing really bad 10 years ago.  I was too busy following a boy.  My dad was in and out of the hospital, dialysis, open heart surgery and I was running from it all.  I guess that was my way to deal but to this day, I can’t really think back to those days without feeling such awful shame.  I wasn’t the best of daughters back then, and maybe I’m not still but my dad is such an important part of my life.  I couldn’t imagine my life had I lost him when I was running away from his mortality.  But that’s the thing, we all are mortal.  Anything could happen in the blink of an eye.  When I finally moved on from that boy I chased around for 7 years, I was worried that something might happen to me especially living by myself so my Papal bought me a gun to protect myself with the promise that I would go get my CHL.  That was 4 years ago and I only recently got serious about going to get that, I was going to surprise him soon with it but that’s one thing I won’t get to do, because I waited too long.  Instead I’ll always carry his CHL with me just so he’ll always be with me.  The truth is, we do not get enough time with our loved ones and we only realize this after they’re gone.  I don’t want to wait for that.  I want to look back and know that my parents, grandparents, sister, etc, all knew and know how much I loved them and how much I appreciated them.  Then, when we meet again in Heaven, we just pick up where we left off.  I spend a lot of time in my head saying things like I cant, I cant, I cant instead of trying.  Maybe, if I tried then I could clean my house, I could get a resume going, I could get back to my gym routine, I could get a better job instead of playing it safe like I have been.  My parents and grandparents worked hard for everything they have and we kids, never went without.  There were so many times and so many years my moms wardrobe didn’t change because she was buying for me and my sister before herself.  I know a lot of parents that are not like that, they see their kids as burdens and are more about themselves which is one of the reasons we have so many problems in society.  I strongly believe that your upbringing has a lot to do with who you are.  I am strong because of how my parents raised me.  I hope they always know that.  No matter what happens between us, they will always be my parents firstly, and my biggest influences secondly.   We all make sacrifices in life, but are we making them for the right reasons, for the right people?  I want the things I do in life to change people in positive ways.  I’d like people to think that I am a positive and that anything is possible if you work for it, but to do that I actually have to work for it.  How many times have I took time off from work to go to a concert, or travel with friends, but I don’t make time to spend with my family?  What sense does that make?  I guess that I am getting older and I’m getting scared about the time I have left to enjoy my family, is what it all boils down to.  This week I’ll be going to New Orleans with my family and I’m really excited to take a few days off from work and be with them.  I can’t honestly remember the last trip we took together.  We will have to take two vehicles because I have to get back to work Wednesday, so I’ll probably get to road trip with my sister and that hasn’t happened in years minus our houston to austin trips which, are hardly a road trip.  This post kind of all came from the movie “Wild”  I’ve been watching it off and on for a few days and she’s flashing back to her mom dying and I can’t even imagine nor would I ever want to be in a world without my mom or dad.  That shit is super scary to me.  I know its life but I don’t want to think about it, which is why its taking me so long to get through the movie.  It all boils down to the fact that we aren’t promised tomorrow, we need to let our loved ones know how much we love them, live life to the fullest and know that the best is yet to come.  Embrace the life you live, starting now.  What you get out of life, is all up to you.

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