I keep thinking about how I know exactly where you are tonight. Things change, I don’t remember dates and years but I know where you are tonight. I could drive by on a street and not stop and see your familiar face, but I choose not to. I don’t need to remember you. I wiped that slate clean a long time ago. I found an email from myspace in my junk folder today, what are the chances that those pictures would pop up on a day where I know where you are. Sounds a bit creepy. I don’t care, but I still wonder.
The thing about pain, is that it demands to be felt. Yeah, I felt it. I felt that first ping of heartbreak all those years ago but now its not even noticeable. I sit here typing this with a broken toe, and that is barely noticeable as well. Have I become comfortably numb? Perhaps I’m just growing stronger as the years pass. Things are the same all at once, but then they aren’t and you sit here and reflect on this complete stranger of your past self. Who was I back then? Who am I now? The path continues to unfold.
I had this weird out of body experience today, and that was before I started to think about things, I just felt like I was hovering over my body, and was not complete. I was watching my actions but not feeling them…if that makes any sense. I told my coworker about this and she agreed that I seemed a little off today…it was kind of odd. I have an hour before midnight, I feel as though I’ve been pretty productive today and that always makes me feel good.
When I was living with my grandparents in Austin, I was in the 6th and 7th grade those two years I lived with them, I loved exploring the open country out there, before the neighborhood started developing. I would get home from school, grab my bike and my grandparents wouldn’t see me until the sun was setting. I had friends, but I think back on it, and a lot of that time I spent alone. I was exploring caves and seeing snakes and riding my bike as fast as I could down steep hills, going just a little bit into the water pipes and then freaking out once I rounded a corner thinking either I’d stumble upon a bad, dangerous person inside or just get turned around and get stuck in the pipes, its a wonder I’m still alive now that I think about it. Those were some of the best times I had, just exploring without a care in the world. I miss Austin, I feel like I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have. It will forever be my happy place. I need to get my bike out of the barn, I miss the feel of getting lost for hours.
I wonder if I will ever leave town. I think about that quite often. I don’t know that there is anywhere else I’d rather live, but I feel like I should leave to continue growing…perhaps. Only time will tell. I’m sitting here alone with my thoughts, my mind is racing a mile a minute but I’m still at a loss for words to describe what I am feeling. It’s interesting to say the least. My mind has been on this guy that used to hangout at my job. I guess he used to work there a long time ago, anyway he walked everywhere because he didn’t drive, at all. Didn’t have a wife or kids or any family, kind of a loner and possibly something was wrong with him. To just look at him, he looked homeless, even though he was not. He stayed in our store for hours, often until it closed cutting articles from newspapers and then falling asleep in our seating lounge. The managers all knew him, he was a former employee after all. I guess things started going downhill, and he would come in looking grimier than usual, a management change and the new ASD asked him to find somewhere else to hang out, and it became months and months since we saw him. I always worried that because he walked everywhere, something would happen to him. Well I hadn’t seen him in months and an attorney general came in and showed me a picture and asked me if I knew who he was. Well of course I did, he also asked if we had an emergency contact for him which we did not, I tried to snoop at his papers as he was not telling us what was going on. The only thing I saw was that he was a patient in a hospital. But why the attorney general? I asked my store manager, the only person that the attorney general was talking to, and the only thing he was able to tell me was that he wasn’t doing too good, and probably wasn’t going to make it. This guy literally had no one in the whole world that cared that he had disappeared except for us employees. I have no idea what happened to him, but the last time they saw him at our store, he had just had surgery on his legs and was using a walker…the only thing I can figure is maybe a hit and run? One of my ex coworkers lived in his apartment complex and said they moved him out, came and got his things and loaded them onto a truck. But what happened to him, and why does no one care? That’s what scares me the most in life. We’re on this planet with a gazillion other people and who’s to say that anyone is going to care about you when it comes to the end? Its so crucial to have human interaction with one another because life can be so tragic alone. I really pray for him and I hope everything is okay even though I’m sure it is not. If he’s not around anymore, I want to pay my respects to him and tell him that someone on this Earth, misses your presence.