I’ve been thinking a lot about how life puts you in these little predicaments, these “forks in the road” if you will and its up to you to decide how you take that fork. You could swing a right and life could be damn near perfect, swing a left and a giant man eating tiger could attack you. Okay, maybe not but you see where I’m going with that. I don;t know what to do at the moment. I’m in a spot where I’m worried about my Mamaw, worried about the construction site that is my house, wanting to go back to school, but what for? Wanting to leave my job, but my boss is short staffed and I recently bought a new car plus, full time job equals insurance. On one hand, there are plenty of little kids around me that I could leave my job and watch for income, but do I really want to do that? What do I do? I need to declutter, Declutter my mind, my body, my house and just really think about my next step. I’d love to move in with Mamaw, but then I’d basically be giving up my house and I don’t think that’s the right step, but part of me wants a fresh start. But is that really a fresh start? My mind is just riddled with so many questions. As the Holiday season approaches, something is missing, someone is missing. I don’t know how we will handle the Holidays.
The end of the path is coming,
but all I can do is keep humming.
I keep fumbling with where to go,
the answer is not one that I know.
Do I hang a left, bust a right?
What lies ahead is not in plain sight.
The still of the night comes setting in,
I can’t even tell how long its been,
Will I take a leap and see one direction to the end?
Or will I cower back to the beginning and start over again?
I keep trying to figure out what to do. I’m the only one that can make that call, but I’m not sure there is a “right” call to make. What about my parents? I haven’t been paying much attention to them because I’m so worried about Mamaw. I get lost in my head a lot lately, I need to channel my feelings into something productive. I’m thinking about maybe learning something new. I have to have some sort of hidden talent. Papal left behind a lot of tools, and wood. Could I learn how to work with wood? When my sister moves into the house, we had planned to make a coffee/wine nook. I wanted to have a type of box/cubby holes shelf on the wall to display all my mugs, would I possibly be able to do something like that? The only real person holding me back is myself. I’m sure I can read up on how to not cut my finger/hand off with a wood working saw. Do you ever think about people, everyone has their own thing that they are rushing to do. While I’m in bed sleeping my life away, someone else is working. I don’t clean my house often, someone somewhere out there wishes they were blessed enough to even have a house to clean. Is there more to life then just work, and obtaining a house? Of course there is, I watch these shows on HGTV when I’m at Mamaws and I see these budgets of 350,000 for a house that isn’t quite up to the buyers standards, so they spend another x amount of money gutting it. How much money is in every house, all houses outlive their owners, well most, and get sold over and over again. People buy it for this much, sell it for that much, put this much amount money into one aspect of the house, put that amount of money fixing that aspect of the house the way the next owner wants it and on and on. It’s a vicious cycle that drives me insane to watch, or to even think about. We are not of this world, it’s not like we get to keep the house anyway. The thought of the turnover fascinates me a bit. I had started writing three books, should I pick these up again and see where I left off? So what if they aren’t good, I could at least say I finished something for the first time in my life. My mind is filled with unfinished thoughts. I feel as though every day that goes by without me channeling these thoughts, is another day wasted. Why am I not able to harness these thoughts? No, not why am I not able, why am I not doing it? Why am I not putting in the work to see what I might be about? I went to the gym today, and a thought struck me, this is all my doing. Succeeding or failing is entirely up to me and no, not just in my fitness journey, in my journey through life as well. When I look back in a few years, will I be proud of the choices I made? Looking back now as to where I was 10 years ago, I can honestly say no I am not proud of the choices that I made but, I’ve learned from those choices. I had to fall to get to where I am in my life, and I had to fall again on my fitness journey to see that I wasn’t giving it my all. I’m still not giving it my all but I’m working to build myself back up to that level I once was at so that when I get there, I can annihilate that level and make a new one, one that I never imagined I’d be able to reach. Life is what you make it. I keep thinking about peoples negativity, my negativity and why? All it does is keep you down. Stay focused on the prize and stay positive, the rest will fall in place when you are ready.