I want to see you be brave.

I’m reading this book that is literally changing my life.  I struggle so much with trying to find the person I was pre-psychopath.  Pre-psychopath you might ask, so you’re a psychopath?  No, I just allowed one in my life for a long time, 7 years to be exact.  What I didn’t realize is that I was being manipulated, and fed lies the whole time.  What I never realized, is that not talking about it and not acknowledging what had happened, left me even more of a shell than who I was before.

I write a lot about the same things, I know that, these things just hold a large chunk of space in my head.  I realize that by holding everything in, I prolonged the inevitable healing process.  Without truly telling the right kind of person what I went through, I have spent years thinking that something is wrong with me, that it’s my fault that I went through what I went through, and that I am not healing properly after all this time.  I’ve sabotaged relationships, friendships, not to mention myself, by thinking that I’m not worthy of love.

When you go through a relationship with an abuser, your whole self changes without you even knowing it.  They mirror you, to become the person that they know you want them to be, when in reality they are empty, characterless, and pure evil.  When the mirroring stage is over, they slowly change you.  Going through abuse, be it mental, physical or emotional, changes your perspective on the world and that’s the thing, was your perspective even real in the first place?

Going through that, changed my view of the world.  I lost my innocence, I lost trust in mankind, and I lost any and all self-confidence I had pre-psychopath.  I lost everything, I lost my hobbies, I lost my interests, I lost myself.  There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, the only reason I would was to go to work.  I cancelled plans with friends, cancelled dates.  Who cares what I looked like, you were lucky if I even had the strength to run a comb through my hair.  Did I eat today? Who was I even?  I was so numb,  I am still mostly numb.  But, the reason I’m typing all of this out, and giving a very brief, you’re welcome, synopsis of the whole thing is that, just like my last post stated, I am ready to start healing.

I’ve been journaling for a few years now, and that has helped, but now I’m ready to forgive and let it go.  I realize now that it wasn’t my fault, I realize now that any one can fall into something like this, and I realize now that there are plenty of people that have fallen into something like this, and it’s not something to be taken lightly.  I should have had a support system, possibly this healing process could have started sooner.  But, knowing the hard head I am, it wasn’t going to start until I was ready.  If you are struggling through something like this, don’t do it alone.  There are all sorts of ways to resources out there to help you and I through.  Psychopathfree.com is an excellent place to start, survivors of all types are there to listen and support you, as they’ve been down that road too.  I am ready to return to who I was, I am slowly coming to life again, slowly enjoying old hobbies.

I’ve been pushing people away for a long time, but I know this is something I have to get out in the open, but at the same time it is something I have to deal with on my own.  No one can make a better person but myself.  I just pray for strength, this has taken so much out of me over the years.  I’ve beat myself up, dragged myself through the ringer, thought I was fine, and realized its all a facade.  I can’t tell you how it worked out that I ended up stranded in Austin with hours to kill, which led me to kill time at BookPeople.  How is it that I was looking for a book for a friend, and ended up somehow in the self help section, with nothing in mind, just browsing and came across this book that not only made me realize there still is a problem, is helping me learn that it is FINALLY time to fix it. God works in mysterious ways.  All I know, is it feels good to finally breathe.

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