sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight

I had me one of those dreams, I used to have all the time, last night.  I wouldn’t really call it a dream, more like a flashback or a nightmare.  When I woke up my arm was hurting as if I had actually been hit over and over again.  Ugh, but when I woke up it was raining.  Maybe the rain caused my bad dream, or the book I was reading before I fell asleep.  All I know is I don’t want those dreams to continue.  Too graphic for me.  Today is a new day though, another chance at another week.  Another chance to break this weeks stats at the gym, and with the mostly vegan diet.

Advertisements

I don’t mean to frustrate, but I always make the same mistakes

There’s nothing quite like being in your feels and then going to the gym and crushing a workout.  My body literally feels like jello.  I feel Ah-maze-inn and my feels, are still there but all the way in the back of my head, behind a thick layer of dust and cobwebs so it’s all good.  My goal this week is no soda, I had a soda or two last week whoops.  It’s kind of hard for me to go out and be on a basically not eating anything regime.  It’s all gravy, I’ll try harder this week.

But my bones said, write the poem

The thing about being a writer, or an artist in general, is that you feel pain like all the time.  You don’t just feel it, your bones ache with all the pain and thoughts in your head that just try to break you if you don’t capture it all on paper and let it out.  I’m beginning to realize that the longer I sit on these words, the harder it is to express myself.  If I let the words  do what they need to do, they bleed out onto the paper, and my head is finally silent again.

So I’ll play the bad guy, but I refuse to play the victim anymore.  A victim to thoughts that need life to breathe.  They need a way out, onto a canvas of sorts so that I can let it go.  Let you go.  Whoever you are.  I’ve been in a constant break up for decades.  My heart longs for someone that doesn’t exist, never existed.  My favorite songs are sung about love lost when truthfully have I even ever experienced love?  Probably not, and if so just the selfish kind.  We are living in a world obsessed with social media where literally the push of a button deletes someone out of your life…but does it really?  You meet someone, you learn about them, you make your assumptions and if you aren’t in to it you just swipe left.  Press block, unfriend, unfollow, and as impersonal as it actually it is, that person no longer exists to you and honestly, that is pretty sad.

Sometimes, keeping up with everything and everyone, just gets to be too much.  I have to unplug or I can’t exist.  Life is hard enough without making everything a competition of who has what, who is hurting more, who’s house is in worse shape because of the flooding.  Silly things are competitions on these social platforms.  Politics are the reason for losing friends and family.  Everyone is so angry, and most people are not even sure why they are angry, why they are sad, why they are lacking.  We live in a world of instant gratification, and if we aren’t given that gratification, we don’t want it.  We don’t want to work hard for something anymore.  We don’t want to work on relationships or friendships because its too hard.  So we use people up until their existence no longer matters to us because they are no longer feeding into the lies, no longer giving us the attention we feel we deserve, no longer benefitting us.  You aren’t doing anything for me anymore? Bye…and then theres no turning back.

We keep thinking that things will be different, but refuse to change.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  So maybe it’s time to grow up.  Be a little wiser, let the words, feelings, thoughts and such not destroy me.  Sulking no longer looks good on anyone.  Head held high, I watched the door close behind you, watched the headlights disappear down the road, and went on about my life.  As if you never existed?  Nah, just another thought begging to be let out of my head and captured on paper.  Before you became another reason I don’t sleep at night.

I’m working on being a better version of myself for several reasons, the biggest being for myself.  I’ve hit the gym so hard the last two weeks that my body aches, and it’s a happy ache, because I know results will soon follow.  Eating a vegan diet 5 days a week or so, mixed feeling about that one.  It’s a slow wean off of meat, but lately my head has been killing me.  Not sure if that’s lack of vittles, or allergies but the headaches can disappear and I won’t miss them at all.  Eggs however, I miss eggs.  Went to one of my favorite breakfast places, and ordered breakfast without meat, and without eggs, and it was delish.  I weighed in Tuesday at the gym since my scale was a victim of the damage from the flood.  I’ll be interested to see what happens, if anything happens with my weight.  I can for sure, feel my body tightening up.  It’s like, “hey girl, chill I hurt”.  I picked up a couple of sewing projects from Hobby Lobby.  I have a couple of plans to get rid of a bunch of my tshirts without actually getting rid of them, so I figured a little practice project wouldn’t hurt, and if it turns out correctly, I hope to make the owner of my little project very happy.  Sock monkey projects for the win!  I feel like my post was a little deep so I had to end it with a happy sock monkey vibe.