Back to the lab again

My daily struggles seem to be about the same, staying on task!  Today I finally went back to the gym yet again, I am trying to get back into this habit and not have too start over again and again.  I met my step goal and it’s officially been 12 days since I’ve had soda or fast food which, is a bit of a big deal to me as I’m single and I work crappy hours so it’s very easy to just say yolo and eat some crap that is gross and gross for me.

I joined another dietbet, I am pretty excited, and getting back on the scale, I’m actually 9 lbs down from where I started which is way better than I thought.  I figured I’d be heavier now than the first dietbet but yay!  I also was able to get my steps in today, I bumped them up to 13000 about midway into October, and was doing pretty good until this last week.

Enough of that stuff, today was super busy at work.  We have this thing here called the Nutcracker Market, which is like the neatest Christmas shopping craft show/spend all your money on cute expensive stuff market.  We go every year, and this year we are taking Mamaw.  We actually tailgate it too, with mimosas and quiche…its kind of a big deal.  To me, that announcing the beginning of the Holiday season.  I need to start shopping.  I’m hoping to get a head start on Christmas this year.

I started a new chapter in the Bible today, Judges.  I have been reading the Bible straight through for awhile now, and my goal is to read it in its entirety, don’t really have a time stamp for that but that’s something that I want to get done in my lifetime.  It’s always nice to make a little more progress.

I’m ready to go on another trip.  I’m not sure where just yet, but I’m ready.  Work is pretty tight though, we just lost another employee so I’m not too sure that I’ll be able to leave anytime soon and, I might be working mornings instead of nights which, is a good thing I suppose except I have super bad anxiety when it comes to opening, I’m not quite sure why but it would be a breath of fresh air to get off during the day.  I could work out during the day instead of night, and maybe actually be able to go on a date from time to time.

I started a new book, Girl on a Train.  I’m only a few pages in but it seems really good thus far.  The author gives great descriptions of both the characters, and the atmosphere.  I’ve had my nose stuck in a book for months.  We have new phones at work now, they are horrible…like awful.  They beep at us and scream at us and I’ve lost several calls because we weren’t given instructions on how to use them…whoops

Two of my coworkers are leaving to go onto another company.  While I’m super happy and excited for them, I’m kind of like when is it my turn?  To be honest though, it’s never going to be my turn if I don’t try, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve even had a resume.  I’d hate to leave my boss high and dry, but I’m ready for a change of sorts.  But, what do I want to do for a living?  Besides the obvious, I have no clue.

I made some amazing chicken when I got back from the gym just a bit ago, I just put a little olive oil and some pink salt down, put the chicken breasts on top and then sprinkled with a lemon pepper seasoning and yum!  I need to stock up on veggies, because I had really nothing to go with it.  I made 4 breasts, so I’ll have lunch for the next few days!  Yay.  I actually might take one when I babysit Friday, that way I have something to eat.

We went to Michaels the other day, and I bought a new fitness journal, thinking it might inspire me, I’ll start it during the new year.  It is super groovy, has all these stickers and quotes and such and the other day, I got a new planner too.  My planner is geared more toward my devotionals and day to day agendas, whereas my fitness journal will be just a fitness journal and hopefully it will help me fall in love with the gym again.

My best friend is coming down in a week!  Not sure where he is going to stay as my house in a construction zone!  But, if nothing else there’s always a couch!  I’m super excited to help him find his new home in Austin, the city of my dreams!  Hopefully we will be able to get in some fun, after all the important stuff such as meetings at the job, apartment hunting and all that jazz goes down.  He’s never been on 6th street and my sister hasn’t been on 6th street legally.  Hopefully it will be a good time and hopefully we can go chill at graffiti park because graffiti park is bae.  It’s going to be so awesome to have my friend like one major city away, instead of two states away!  So groovy! I wish him so much success in a new state!

It’s getting pretty late so I guess I should start attempting sleep.  I’ve noticed lately that I have been exhausted from long days, I’ve been waking up early and actually sleeping at night.  I haven’t had insomnia in a few nights, maybe even a week I better knock on some wood.  I will be dreaming of the nutcracker market and a new bag of coffee from Firecreek.  It’s so close I can practically taste it!  See Amber, getting back into your zone is not as hard as you think it is.  It actually makes you feel better too!

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I wrote this at work yesterday, just didn’t get a chance to type it up yet.

I received this phantom like on instagram from the person that I presumed gone/dead in a previous post, and it’s messing with my head!  What happened to this guy?  Maybe he’s still around?  I assume…I give up, but I hope that it’s true and that he’s okay.  I’m becoming a bit obsessed with death and leaving, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing.  So, today I want to think about life, and how great it can be.  It can be hard, but it always gets better.  The feeling of the Holidays, and spending time with family and loved ones.  The excitement of putting up a Christmas tree, the smell of homemade cookies baking…yum!  Those Holiday feels though.  I can remember being little, and having more flour on me then on whatever my great grandma and I were baking at the time.  She always baked, and cooked, and always let my sister and I help her on that yellow kitchen table, that I’m proud to say I still have, and will never get rid of it, it has at least 50 years of memories attached to it already, and I intend on adding at least 50 more.  I get nostalgia just walking past it everyday.  Granny made the best sweets, treats, and homemade chicken noodle soup.  Forget the turkey and ham, I’ll take bowl after bowl of granny’s soup.  That’s one of the hardest parts of the Holidays now, is something as simple as that soup not being there.  Now that Papal has passed too, this years corny joke of “who cut the ham?  damn near missed” will hurt hard, but they are together again, mother and son.  If Granny were here today, I’d pay more attention to how she cooked, how she baked, how she quilted.  These are all things that I wish I knew how to do like her.  She was a strong, independent woman, and I get my strength from her.  She outlived two husbands, and lived in this house that I live in alone, up until she passed away she was able to do everything her way, and thank God for that because she would not have had it any other way.  There are so many good things in life, the feeling of an ice cold pool on a burning hot summers day.  When I was a child, I used to stay in Austin for weeks in the summer with my grandparents.  They had the best above ground swimming pool, I spent hours in that thing, whole days during the weekend.  They both worked during the week, and us kids weren’t allowed to swim without them there.  I’ll never forget the bumpy, rocky road on Papal’s property, passed the pond he built, up to the cabin that he built.  In my teenage years, I dreaded going, often skipped the trip for sleep, but now that Papal’s gone, I wish I had gone more often.  I’m ashamed to admit that it’s been years since I’ve been.  I had actually been asking Papal if we could go sometime soon before he passed, but none of us were expecting this to be our last year with him.  Life isn’t promised, it can be taken from us at a moments notice.  I hope he’s being taken care of up there.  He took good care of all of us while he was here, it’s what he deserves, to sit back and kick it in heaven, but I assure he won’t sit still.  He’s probably up in heaven building things as I write this.  The stillness of an undiscovered creek, a babbling brook, that noise is probably the best noise in the entire universe, to me anyway.  That long drink of water after a 10 mile hike that you’ve run out of water on.  Oh how I live for that feeling!  Getting caught in the rain in New York City, where the city moves so fast, the rain barely slows it down.  An empty subway car to yourself, not being in a rush because you are at the will of the conductor.  What do I care?  It’s not my city, I’m not in a rush.  The feeling of traveling makes me happy, being at a place in my life where I can afford to take time off and see the world, I never thought I’d be comfortable enough to do that.  The feeling of numb fingers on a keyboard after posting a blog that you had handwritten originally, seeing how ever since you were young, you always liked to write what you were creating, by hand first because that’s where your creativity kicks in.

Word art and work thoughts…

But, what if this is really what it’s all about?  What if there are no real answers and no real questions?  What if we really are just supposed to trust in Jesus?  Of course we are, but what if we trusted in Him, and didn’t worry about trivial things.  He makes sure birds eat, are we not just as important as birds?  When your world crumbles, who do you seek first?  Most of us know, that it should be Him.  In fact, it just gets worse when we try to hide, or think that we can manage on our own.  Sometimes we have to throw our hands up and be okay with asking for help.  Sometimes we all need help, and that’s okay.  Hard to admit, but okay to need a little help, or even a lot of help.  Isolation is not good for us, even in the garden, God created a companion for Adam.  He knew all that time ago, that mankind was not meant to be alone.  But, we are never alone, even when we feel like it , as long as we open our heart to Him, he is always there, especially during the worst times.  What if we never understand how great His love is, it’s like nothing else in this world.  Without it, we would be hopeless.  Things of this world, are just that, things of THIS world.  I want to live my life not consumed by things of this world, because in the next world, where I plan to spend eternity, those things won’t matter at all.  They will be left behind in this world.  Our entire lives will be left behind for someone else to keep, to discard, to sort.  We can’t take them with us, which if you think about it, kind of makes you want to stop collecting all this clutter that will be left behind.  I own one Bible, really two but I use only one, for the most part daily, that I’ve had since I was 8 or so.  At the same time, I have too many pairs of shoes to count.  I feel like this should be some sort of metaphor about life.  Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?  Yes, I do have sentimental attachment to that particular Bible, but it feeds my soul daily, why not have several?  One day, my words may be the only part of me that remains a part of this world.  Did I use them wisely?  Did I use them to harm or to help others?  Did I use them at all, or did I just keep them to myself, bottled up so as not to be scared of what reaction might come from the words that I wrote.  Comfortable is not safe, being scared is safe.  Take the world by its ears, and don’t let go until it gives you exactly what you want, and if you don’t get it, that’s alright.  At least you tried.  No one has ever regretted trying, but lots of people have regretted not even having the guts to make a move, to take a risk, to take a chance.  Life is what you make it.  The darkness doesn’t last forever, you got to fight it, don’t let it consume you because given the chance it will.  No one knows what you are feeling inside, but you.  Your friends are your friends for a reason.  Tell them what’s going on, let them help you.  I guarantee you they care.  I guarantee you someone cares, even when your head tells you otherwise.  Don’t listen to your head, unless its telling you good things.  I promise you we all feel what you’re feeling.  You aren’t weird because you’re hurting.  Everyone hurts sometimes.  The hurt, is a part of life and I promise it gets better.  I was in an abusive relationship for several years.  Not only physically, but emotionally abusive as well.  What can I say from that experience?  It gets better!  Don’t ever listen to negativity from anyone.  You are not worthless, you are everything to someone, you are no ones punching bag, not even your own.  Love doesn’t hurt, and if you think it does, the hurt will never stop.  You deserve love, everyone does, even you Amber.  Don’t let yourself think otherwise.  A couple bad experiences shouldn’t shut you down forever to the idea of love.  The idea of love is a concept that you will spend years trying to define as well as trying to tell yourself that you don’t need it.  But, secretly wishing that you had it.  Everyone loves differently, and that’s okay.  Your not great with words when it comes to emotions.  Your friends hurt and you don’t know what to do, so you hurt right along side them when all you actually want to do is give them a giant hug and assure them that everything will be okay.  It will be okay.  Even the darkest night makes way for a morning full of light and new opportunities to change the previous days events.  You can’t save them all Amber.  Sometimes people have to learn how to live on their own.  What do you say when you are speechless?  Sometimes it doesn’t even matter anyway.  The wrong things keep happening to the wrong people, because they keep letting it happen.  Meaning, a negative mind and heart, lead to a negative life.  There is no easy way to be positive when all you think about are bad thoughts.  What can I say?  We all live different lives.  Some people are stronger than others, some people don’t know what to say and some people take the easy way out.  I don’t want to take the easy way out and I don’t want you to take the easy way out.  If your alone in this life, I get being scared, but you are not alone…so don’t be scared.  New adventures are around the corner, but you have to make it there first.  How are you to live an exciting new life in a new place if you can’t even live to see it?

Once again this post is something I did at work.  I kind of just turned the paper in squares, starting from the middle and just wrote whatever came to mind.  I’ve got a bunch on my mind as usual and I’m not sure how to say everything that I need to say or how to fix everything that I need to fix.  Tomorrow is another day though, and I’ll try again.  I’ll try every day to be a little bit better, and I hope you will too. 

 

Random thoughts at work

I keep reading these books about other peoples lives and I desperately want to tell my story someday.  But, who am I that I’d have an interesting story to tell?  A story worth reading.  Do people read anymore?  I could tell you that I’m wise beyond my years, but really everything I could tell you about life, is from mistakes I’ve made living.  Wisdom comes from experience.  Have I had experience?  I am one of those few people that have manners still.  I hold doors for people, do the whole yes mamn no sir stuff, give my seat up to elders, all that jazz, its just how I was raised.  I still make mistakes, i still feel like I’m being judged by others, yet I still judge others.  I still make promises that I know I can’t keep, put others feelings before my own…it’s just something that I do.  I still think my Mom and Dad hung the moon, they hung my moon.  They provided for me before I even knew that I needed to be provided for.  I still don’t know what love is, and at this stage in my life, I don’t think I ever will.  Let me rephrase that, I know God’s love, and how remarkable that is, but as far as mortal love, I’m not sure its meant for me.  I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for.  I missed two days of my writing challenge, I’m forever breaking goals, not keeping them.  I still don’t know how to apologize, or how to explain the war going on in my head and how it consumes my body, my actions.  Grief, cuts me like a knife, and I’m not sure how to fight back.  I don’t have the answers to why I can’t cry, why I can’t do housework, why I can’t go places by myself, but I’m trying.  I see people for who they are, yet I refuse to participate in their label if it doesn’t suit me.  I miss my friends, yet I ignore them completely.  I hate being alone yet I live for the solitude of my room.  I keep waiting for you to walk through that door, but I have no idea who you are , and what door you’ll walk through, or if my life is even at a place for anyone to even attempt walking into.  No I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Yes I do.  No I don’t think that my life was ruined by one person in particular.  Yes I do.  No I don’t resent them but yes I do.  I’m comfortable in life, but I want to be scared.  I’m too scared to be anything but comfortable at this particular moment of my life.  If I write about my life, will anyone care?  Have I ever lived life?  Am I just wasting it?  My dad went blind when he was 30, will I go blind in my thirties?  How would I live without my eyes?  How does my dad live without his eyes?  Do my parents know I love them?  Do I take them for granted?  Do I ever let them know that despite me taking them for granted, I love them so very much?  How will I ever come to terms with what little time I have on Earth with my loved ones?  I know I have eternity with them in Heaven, but how will I be able to wait without hurting?  Is it possible to die of a broken heart?  Will my Mamaw be okay?  What is this pain that I feel I’ve felt when I haven’t even begun to feel the pain that comes from losing someone so dear.  What does that feel like?  Will I ever love someone like that?  I’ve been through a breakup, but never having that person that I loved with all my heart, there to grow old with when we promised forever?  Why is forever not long enough?  How does it feel to lose something like that?  Is Mamaw okay?  Will she ever be okay?  Can I take some of her pain away somehow?  I’d gladly take all that pain away if I knew the right things to say or do.  What if I never met you?  What if you never cared?  Did you ever care?  Have you ever been so selfish that nothing mattered but you?  Am I selfish?  Will I ever grow up?  What does growing up consist of?  What if you never left?  Have I ever left?  Will I ever leave?  What constitutes as leaving?  Do you know I changed my number?  Did you ever try to call?  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever miss me?  Even a little bit?  Even at all?  Do you ever think about how one little thing could have changed the whole outcome of your life?  What if I moved to Austin?  Would that have been right for me?  Does anybody know what they really want?  Will they find it?  What do I really want?  Will I find it?  I’ve been better, but what’s better?  Will I ever be Okay?  Is anyone Okay?  If love is all you need, why are most people so miserable?  Does real love even exist anymore?  Does every one cheat on everyone now?  Is that what love on Earth has come down to?  If you were stranded on the side of the freeway at 1 am, who would you call?  Would they come?  Or would you have to call a tow truck because they couldn’t be bothered?  I wonder if Granny W and Granny Z are okay.  What’s heaven like?  Is it really all its cracked up to be?  I hope so.  Is Papal okay?  Was he sad leaving Mamaw?  Does love like that exist anymore?  What if it doesn’t?  Does anyone read this?  Is anyone there?  Does anyone care?  If I quit my job tomorrow, what would I do?  Would I be okay?  Should I quit my job?  Why am I not doing my job?  Does it even matter?  What actually matters?  Does any of this?  Will I actually type all of this?  Why do I keep comparing my life to others?  My life is my own, the things that I do are of my own will.  If I have a problem, I should change it and not look at what others have accomplished as some sort of threat.  Everything will work out at some point.  Is it not working out right now?  No really is it?  Or is it not?  Sometimes I really feel the need to desperately reach out to old friends.  Sometimes I see that we probably can’t be friends anymore.  People change, and as much as that sucks, sometimes you lose people from your past.  You can try and fight it and just feel really shitty when you reach out to people who don’t care.  Realize that they don’t care anymore, and that that isn’t a bad thing necessarily, and it isn’t your fault or their fault, it’s just that life goes on and people change.  While you’re out there living life, so are they.  It’s not necessarily the same anymore, your interests can change as well as theirs.  Just because you aren’t into the same things that they are, that doesn’t make you any less, or your time or companionship any less, it’s just different.  You might soon cross paths with someone else who has the same interests and if not, okay, that’s fine too.  Everything will work out in the end, or will it?  What if it doesn’t?  What if I feel like this forever?  How do I feel?  What causes it?  What am I supposed to feel like?  How do you know?  A sea of words, a sea of thoughts that come to fast to capture, to write down before they exit.  They become forgotten thoughts, forgotten words.  Were they important?  Will I ever think those same thoughts again?  Will I have new thoughts that are better, or just easier to remember?  What if my last adventure, was my last adventure?  What was my last adventure?

These are the words and thoughts I captured on a piece of paper at work yesterday.  I feel asleep typing them last night, no really.  I fell asleep at the keyboard with my light on and woke up at 6 am this morning.  I’ll upload a photo of how I wrote this, it was on a piece of paper diagonally written and it was just a free flow of the thoughts in my head.  I really like what came out of this.

  

I’m not sure that I have much to say today.  I’m kind of upset about something that was said to me.  Without going into it, I think its dumb that someone who has been supportive the entire way of stuff, is chastised over something so small and dumb.  It makes me think that people change and friendships change and sometimes people outgrow other people.  I’m trying really hard to not be mad, but its not working very well.

Some die with a name, some die nameless

I keep thinking about how I know exactly where you are tonight.  Things change, I don’t remember dates and years but I know where you are tonight.  I could drive by on a street and not stop and see your familiar face, but I choose not to.  I don’t need to remember you.  I wiped that slate clean a long time ago.  I found an email from myspace in my junk folder today, what are the chances that those pictures would pop up on a day where I know where you are.  Sounds a bit creepy.  I don’t care, but I still wonder.

The thing about pain, is that it demands to be felt.  Yeah, I felt it.  I felt that first ping of heartbreak all those years ago but now its not even noticeable.  I sit here typing this with a broken toe, and that is barely noticeable as well.  Have I become comfortably numb?  Perhaps I’m just growing stronger as the years pass.  Things are the same all at once, but then they aren’t and you sit here and reflect on this complete stranger of your past self.  Who was I back then?  Who am I now?  The path continues to unfold.

I had this weird out of body experience today, and that was before I started to think about things, I just felt like I was hovering over my body, and was not complete.  I was watching my actions but not feeling them…if that makes any sense.  I told my coworker about this and she agreed that I seemed a little off today…it was kind of odd.  I have an hour before midnight, I feel as though I’ve been pretty productive today and that always makes me feel good.

When I was living with my grandparents in Austin, I was in the 6th and 7th grade those two years I lived with them, I loved exploring the open country out there, before the neighborhood started developing.  I would get home from school, grab my bike and my grandparents wouldn’t see me until the sun was setting.  I had friends, but I think back on it, and a lot of that time I spent alone.  I was exploring caves and seeing snakes and riding my bike as fast as I could down steep hills, going just a little bit into the water pipes and then freaking out once I rounded a corner thinking either I’d stumble upon a bad, dangerous person inside or just get turned around and get stuck in the pipes, its a wonder I’m still alive now that I think about it.  Those were some of the best times I had, just exploring without a care in the world.  I miss Austin, I feel like I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have.  It will forever be my happy place.  I need to get my bike out of the barn, I miss the feel of getting lost for hours.

I wonder if I will ever leave town.  I think about that quite often.  I don’t know that there is anywhere else I’d rather live, but I feel like I should leave to continue growing…perhaps.  Only time will tell.  I’m sitting here alone with my thoughts, my mind is racing a mile a minute but I’m still at a loss for words to describe what I am feeling.  It’s interesting to say the least.  My mind has been on this guy that used to hangout at my job.  I guess he used to work there a long time ago, anyway he walked everywhere because he didn’t drive, at all.  Didn’t have a wife or kids or any family, kind of a loner and possibly something was wrong with him.  To just look at him, he looked homeless, even though he was not.  He stayed in our store for hours, often until it closed cutting articles from newspapers and then falling asleep in our seating lounge.  The managers all knew him, he was a former employee after all.  I guess things started going downhill, and he would come in looking grimier than usual, a management change and the new ASD asked him to find somewhere else to hang out, and it became months and months since we saw him.  I always worried that because he walked everywhere, something would happen to him.  Well I hadn’t seen him in months and an attorney general came in and showed me a picture and asked me if I knew who he was.  Well of course I did, he also asked if we had an emergency contact for him which we did not, I tried to snoop at his papers as he was not telling us what was going on.  The only thing I saw was that he was a patient in a hospital.  But why the attorney general?  I asked my store manager, the only person that the attorney general was talking to, and the only thing he was able to tell me was that he wasn’t doing too good, and probably wasn’t going to make it. This guy literally had no one in the whole world that cared that he had disappeared except for us employees.  I have no idea what happened to him, but the last time they saw him at our store, he had just had surgery on his legs and was using a walker…the only thing I can figure is maybe a hit and run?  One of my ex coworkers lived in his apartment complex and said they moved him out, came and got his things and loaded them onto a truck.  But what happened to him, and why does no one care?  That’s what scares me the most in life.  We’re on this planet with a gazillion other people and who’s to say that anyone is going to care about you when it comes to the end?  Its so crucial to have human interaction with one another because life can be so tragic alone.  I really pray for him and I hope everything is okay even though I’m sure it is not.  If he’s not around anymore, I want to pay my respects to him and tell him that someone on this Earth, misses your presence.

Wake me up inside

Some days you wake up and you just feel really good about the day.  I feel good today!  Just downed a pot of coffee eggs and spinach, took care of devotionals, had my Friday plans cancel on me but hey it’s all good.

   I was thinking about it and I have Friday and Saturday off, I’ll just head over to mamaws and see if me and jimmy can take the boat out.  This is how I want to wake up every morning, early and happy!  Happy Thursday y’all!