Random thoughts at work

I keep reading these books about other peoples lives and I desperately want to tell my story someday.  But, who am I that I’d have an interesting story to tell?  A story worth reading.  Do people read anymore?  I could tell you that I’m wise beyond my years, but really everything I could tell you about life, is from mistakes I’ve made living.  Wisdom comes from experience.  Have I had experience?  I am one of those few people that have manners still.  I hold doors for people, do the whole yes mamn no sir stuff, give my seat up to elders, all that jazz, its just how I was raised.  I still make mistakes, i still feel like I’m being judged by others, yet I still judge others.  I still make promises that I know I can’t keep, put others feelings before my own…it’s just something that I do.  I still think my Mom and Dad hung the moon, they hung my moon.  They provided for me before I even knew that I needed to be provided for.  I still don’t know what love is, and at this stage in my life, I don’t think I ever will.  Let me rephrase that, I know God’s love, and how remarkable that is, but as far as mortal love, I’m not sure its meant for me.  I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for.  I missed two days of my writing challenge, I’m forever breaking goals, not keeping them.  I still don’t know how to apologize, or how to explain the war going on in my head and how it consumes my body, my actions.  Grief, cuts me like a knife, and I’m not sure how to fight back.  I don’t have the answers to why I can’t cry, why I can’t do housework, why I can’t go places by myself, but I’m trying.  I see people for who they are, yet I refuse to participate in their label if it doesn’t suit me.  I miss my friends, yet I ignore them completely.  I hate being alone yet I live for the solitude of my room.  I keep waiting for you to walk through that door, but I have no idea who you are , and what door you’ll walk through, or if my life is even at a place for anyone to even attempt walking into.  No I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Yes I do.  No I don’t think that my life was ruined by one person in particular.  Yes I do.  No I don’t resent them but yes I do.  I’m comfortable in life, but I want to be scared.  I’m too scared to be anything but comfortable at this particular moment of my life.  If I write about my life, will anyone care?  Have I ever lived life?  Am I just wasting it?  My dad went blind when he was 30, will I go blind in my thirties?  How would I live without my eyes?  How does my dad live without his eyes?  Do my parents know I love them?  Do I take them for granted?  Do I ever let them know that despite me taking them for granted, I love them so very much?  How will I ever come to terms with what little time I have on Earth with my loved ones?  I know I have eternity with them in Heaven, but how will I be able to wait without hurting?  Is it possible to die of a broken heart?  Will my Mamaw be okay?  What is this pain that I feel I’ve felt when I haven’t even begun to feel the pain that comes from losing someone so dear.  What does that feel like?  Will I ever love someone like that?  I’ve been through a breakup, but never having that person that I loved with all my heart, there to grow old with when we promised forever?  Why is forever not long enough?  How does it feel to lose something like that?  Is Mamaw okay?  Will she ever be okay?  Can I take some of her pain away somehow?  I’d gladly take all that pain away if I knew the right things to say or do.  What if I never met you?  What if you never cared?  Did you ever care?  Have you ever been so selfish that nothing mattered but you?  Am I selfish?  Will I ever grow up?  What does growing up consist of?  What if you never left?  Have I ever left?  Will I ever leave?  What constitutes as leaving?  Do you know I changed my number?  Did you ever try to call?  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever miss me?  Even a little bit?  Even at all?  Do you ever think about how one little thing could have changed the whole outcome of your life?  What if I moved to Austin?  Would that have been right for me?  Does anybody know what they really want?  Will they find it?  What do I really want?  Will I find it?  I’ve been better, but what’s better?  Will I ever be Okay?  Is anyone Okay?  If love is all you need, why are most people so miserable?  Does real love even exist anymore?  Does every one cheat on everyone now?  Is that what love on Earth has come down to?  If you were stranded on the side of the freeway at 1 am, who would you call?  Would they come?  Or would you have to call a tow truck because they couldn’t be bothered?  I wonder if Granny W and Granny Z are okay.  What’s heaven like?  Is it really all its cracked up to be?  I hope so.  Is Papal okay?  Was he sad leaving Mamaw?  Does love like that exist anymore?  What if it doesn’t?  Does anyone read this?  Is anyone there?  Does anyone care?  If I quit my job tomorrow, what would I do?  Would I be okay?  Should I quit my job?  Why am I not doing my job?  Does it even matter?  What actually matters?  Does any of this?  Will I actually type all of this?  Why do I keep comparing my life to others?  My life is my own, the things that I do are of my own will.  If I have a problem, I should change it and not look at what others have accomplished as some sort of threat.  Everything will work out at some point.  Is it not working out right now?  No really is it?  Or is it not?  Sometimes I really feel the need to desperately reach out to old friends.  Sometimes I see that we probably can’t be friends anymore.  People change, and as much as that sucks, sometimes you lose people from your past.  You can try and fight it and just feel really shitty when you reach out to people who don’t care.  Realize that they don’t care anymore, and that that isn’t a bad thing necessarily, and it isn’t your fault or their fault, it’s just that life goes on and people change.  While you’re out there living life, so are they.  It’s not necessarily the same anymore, your interests can change as well as theirs.  Just because you aren’t into the same things that they are, that doesn’t make you any less, or your time or companionship any less, it’s just different.  You might soon cross paths with someone else who has the same interests and if not, okay, that’s fine too.  Everything will work out in the end, or will it?  What if it doesn’t?  What if I feel like this forever?  How do I feel?  What causes it?  What am I supposed to feel like?  How do you know?  A sea of words, a sea of thoughts that come to fast to capture, to write down before they exit.  They become forgotten thoughts, forgotten words.  Were they important?  Will I ever think those same thoughts again?  Will I have new thoughts that are better, or just easier to remember?  What if my last adventure, was my last adventure?  What was my last adventure?

These are the words and thoughts I captured on a piece of paper at work yesterday.  I feel asleep typing them last night, no really.  I fell asleep at the keyboard with my light on and woke up at 6 am this morning.  I’ll upload a photo of how I wrote this, it was on a piece of paper diagonally written and it was just a free flow of the thoughts in my head.  I really like what came out of this.

  

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I’m not sure that I have much to say today.  I’m kind of upset about something that was said to me.  Without going into it, I think its dumb that someone who has been supportive the entire way of stuff, is chastised over something so small and dumb.  It makes me think that people change and friendships change and sometimes people outgrow other people.  I’m trying really hard to not be mad, but its not working very well.

Some die with a name, some die nameless

I keep thinking about how I know exactly where you are tonight.  Things change, I don’t remember dates and years but I know where you are tonight.  I could drive by on a street and not stop and see your familiar face, but I choose not to.  I don’t need to remember you.  I wiped that slate clean a long time ago.  I found an email from myspace in my junk folder today, what are the chances that those pictures would pop up on a day where I know where you are.  Sounds a bit creepy.  I don’t care, but I still wonder.

The thing about pain, is that it demands to be felt.  Yeah, I felt it.  I felt that first ping of heartbreak all those years ago but now its not even noticeable.  I sit here typing this with a broken toe, and that is barely noticeable as well.  Have I become comfortably numb?  Perhaps I’m just growing stronger as the years pass.  Things are the same all at once, but then they aren’t and you sit here and reflect on this complete stranger of your past self.  Who was I back then?  Who am I now?  The path continues to unfold.

I had this weird out of body experience today, and that was before I started to think about things, I just felt like I was hovering over my body, and was not complete.  I was watching my actions but not feeling them…if that makes any sense.  I told my coworker about this and she agreed that I seemed a little off today…it was kind of odd.  I have an hour before midnight, I feel as though I’ve been pretty productive today and that always makes me feel good.

When I was living with my grandparents in Austin, I was in the 6th and 7th grade those two years I lived with them, I loved exploring the open country out there, before the neighborhood started developing.  I would get home from school, grab my bike and my grandparents wouldn’t see me until the sun was setting.  I had friends, but I think back on it, and a lot of that time I spent alone.  I was exploring caves and seeing snakes and riding my bike as fast as I could down steep hills, going just a little bit into the water pipes and then freaking out once I rounded a corner thinking either I’d stumble upon a bad, dangerous person inside or just get turned around and get stuck in the pipes, its a wonder I’m still alive now that I think about it.  Those were some of the best times I had, just exploring without a care in the world.  I miss Austin, I feel like I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have.  It will forever be my happy place.  I need to get my bike out of the barn, I miss the feel of getting lost for hours.

I wonder if I will ever leave town.  I think about that quite often.  I don’t know that there is anywhere else I’d rather live, but I feel like I should leave to continue growing…perhaps.  Only time will tell.  I’m sitting here alone with my thoughts, my mind is racing a mile a minute but I’m still at a loss for words to describe what I am feeling.  It’s interesting to say the least.  My mind has been on this guy that used to hangout at my job.  I guess he used to work there a long time ago, anyway he walked everywhere because he didn’t drive, at all.  Didn’t have a wife or kids or any family, kind of a loner and possibly something was wrong with him.  To just look at him, he looked homeless, even though he was not.  He stayed in our store for hours, often until it closed cutting articles from newspapers and then falling asleep in our seating lounge.  The managers all knew him, he was a former employee after all.  I guess things started going downhill, and he would come in looking grimier than usual, a management change and the new ASD asked him to find somewhere else to hang out, and it became months and months since we saw him.  I always worried that because he walked everywhere, something would happen to him.  Well I hadn’t seen him in months and an attorney general came in and showed me a picture and asked me if I knew who he was.  Well of course I did, he also asked if we had an emergency contact for him which we did not, I tried to snoop at his papers as he was not telling us what was going on.  The only thing I saw was that he was a patient in a hospital.  But why the attorney general?  I asked my store manager, the only person that the attorney general was talking to, and the only thing he was able to tell me was that he wasn’t doing too good, and probably wasn’t going to make it. This guy literally had no one in the whole world that cared that he had disappeared except for us employees.  I have no idea what happened to him, but the last time they saw him at our store, he had just had surgery on his legs and was using a walker…the only thing I can figure is maybe a hit and run?  One of my ex coworkers lived in his apartment complex and said they moved him out, came and got his things and loaded them onto a truck.  But what happened to him, and why does no one care?  That’s what scares me the most in life.  We’re on this planet with a gazillion other people and who’s to say that anyone is going to care about you when it comes to the end?  Its so crucial to have human interaction with one another because life can be so tragic alone.  I really pray for him and I hope everything is okay even though I’m sure it is not.  If he’s not around anymore, I want to pay my respects to him and tell him that someone on this Earth, misses your presence.

Wake me up inside

Some days you wake up and you just feel really good about the day.  I feel good today!  Just downed a pot of coffee eggs and spinach, took care of devotionals, had my Friday plans cancel on me but hey it’s all good.

   I was thinking about it and I have Friday and Saturday off, I’ll just head over to mamaws and see if me and jimmy can take the boat out.  This is how I want to wake up every morning, early and happy!  Happy Thursday y’all!

Thank you guys

Thank you all for the interest you take in reading my posts, even if its only one of you in this entire universe, it means the world to me.  I have been up since 4 this morning.  Had to head back from New Orleans to make work at 1 pm today, so I am a bit exhausted.  I meant to hit the gym but I was too tired so yet again I skipped.  Whatever Amber, its on next week no excuses.  I drank my gallon of water today and have a gorgeous piece of salmon in the oven as I type.  I was able to finally purchase some Himalayan pink salt that I am trying out on the salmon.  I have been so intrigued by this stuff since I first saw it in Dallas last year.  The smell is incredible, so I am hopeful!

It’s good to be back home.  Even though I was only gone two days, there’s always something peaceful about coming home from a trip.  Setting your bags down and tending to the housework you left behind, which is what I will be up to tonight.  My room has been a disaster for awhile, and I have vowed to get that back together.  So I shall!

I’ve been really interested in doing some word art lately and I am thinking about seriously doing that soon.  I have new vinyl, lots of knick knacks and poetry that I could combine in with said knick knacks and see what happens.  Could make for some interesting wall art, or Christmas presents.  I want my family to enjoy my creativity as much as I do even though I’ve been wasting it lately.

I’m in the market for a new chandelier and each and every one that I pass lately has been enticing me.  I have a smallish 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house, and my chandelier is super old and perfect, as it is a family heirloom, but my uncle some how broke it a few months ago…no telling what he was doing when he broke it, but i digress.  I’d like a semi small very beautiful radiant chandelier to take its place and I’m hoping to fall in love with the right one soon.

So many ideas for the remodeling of the house, I can’t wait to have it all come together.  We had removed the carpet some months back and the wood floors are going to be restored its going to be beautiful when it all comes together.  My younger sister (21) will be moving in with me and we have some plans but mostly will stick to the vintagey retro chic look that the house already kind of has.  We will be adding a coffee/wine nook in the living room.  My Papal built this beautiful long wood cabinet that he and Mamaw used to store all the stuffed animals he won for her from the little crane machines at local stores.  We will use that to display our mugs and wine glasses and such.  I have quite the impressive collection of coffee mugs.

I’ve been kind of hard on myself lately.  Mostly because of my lack of going to the gym lately but its a new month, and things are going to get going soon.  I’m still planning on trying for 21 days in a row.  They say it takes 21 days to form a habit and I miss my gym sessions.  I guess its kind of hard when you are so down on yourself, but like I said my clothes haven’t been fitting right and that just kind of bums me out.  Instead of being bummed out, I need to go work on fixing that.  I love working out!  I just have to convince my head to get me there.  It’s amazing how much power your thoughts have on you.

I’m ready to go on another trip, I don’t like to stay still too often.  I really want to go hiking for a few days, lose my cell phone and just be one with nature and my thoughts and see if I don’t get an idea or two.  Natural bodies of water are so peaceful to me, that is what I would want to hike around/to.  When I was in 6th or 7th grade, I believe it was 7th grade, we took a school trip to Big Bend national park and I enjoyed it so much.  I did the Window hike and remembered thinking how amazing it was that I had hiked such a long hike.  I have wanted to go back ever since, and one day I will make it back out there.  I would also love to make it back out to Colorado and do some more camping out there.  One of my best friends from high school lives out there and she took my sister and I camping and it was cold but fun!

For now, I think Enchanted Rock would serve just fine, so one of these days I’m going to go out there and at least get a feel for what I am wanting to do even if its not exactly traveling somewhere.  I need to actually research some new places to check out around Texas.  I know for sure I would like to check out lovers leap in Waco and there’s a spot I’d like to check out near Lampasas.  Rocks, natural water, I am there!

I’m ready for a new tattoo, I’m pretty sure this will be my last, for awhile at least.  I am going to get one in memory of my Papal.  He would hate it, but I think it would be a good way to honor him.  He hated my tattoos but especially my plugs and honestly since he’s passed, I don’t have the heart to put them in my ears anymore, so I’ll probably let them close.  I guess this is growing up.  So much to do so little time!  I’m ready to take the next step forward!  Off to enjoy this salmon and do my devotionals.

Hotel room poetry 

I wrote this after my devotional tonight, not really much to it but, let me know what you think.

When you moved away that day, what could I say?

Ok…

I fumbled with those words knowing that I would never again be “ok”

I watched that last load go up on that truck and thought, this is it.

There goes my life…

You pulled away without a second glance and tears streamed down my face.

What do I do now?

When I moved away, I said ok…here is my life.

I unpacked that last bag and thought, this is a new beginning. 

A place of my own, a place to find just who I am and what I want.

I said goodbye to you that day, I said goodbye to my past thinking that I had said goodbye to my future.

The day I moved away, I never looked back. 

Goodbye past, hello future.  Today I take over, this is my story now.