I’m not sure that I have much to say today. I’m kind of upset about something that was said to me. Without going into it, I think its dumb that someone who has been supportive the entire way of stuff, is chastised over something so small and dumb. It makes me think that people change and friendships change and sometimes people outgrow other people. I’m trying really hard to not be mad, but its not working very well.
I keep thinking about how I know exactly where you are tonight. Things change, I don’t remember dates and years but I know where you are tonight. I could drive by on a street and not stop and see your familiar face, but I choose not to. I don’t need to remember you. I wiped that slate clean a long time ago. I found an email from myspace in my junk folder today, what are the chances that those pictures would pop up on a day where I know where you are. Sounds a bit creepy. I don’t care, but I still wonder.
The thing about pain, is that it demands to be felt. Yeah, I felt it. I felt that first ping of heartbreak all those years ago but now its not even noticeable. I sit here typing this with a broken toe, and that is barely noticeable as well. Have I become comfortably numb? Perhaps I’m just growing stronger as the years pass. Things are the same all at once, but then they aren’t and you sit here and reflect on this complete stranger of your past self. Who was I back then? Who am I now? The path continues to unfold.
I had this weird out of body experience today, and that was before I started to think about things, I just felt like I was hovering over my body, and was not complete. I was watching my actions but not feeling them…if that makes any sense. I told my coworker about this and she agreed that I seemed a little off today…it was kind of odd. I have an hour before midnight, I feel as though I’ve been pretty productive today and that always makes me feel good.
When I was living with my grandparents in Austin, I was in the 6th and 7th grade those two years I lived with them, I loved exploring the open country out there, before the neighborhood started developing. I would get home from school, grab my bike and my grandparents wouldn’t see me until the sun was setting. I had friends, but I think back on it, and a lot of that time I spent alone. I was exploring caves and seeing snakes and riding my bike as fast as I could down steep hills, going just a little bit into the water pipes and then freaking out once I rounded a corner thinking either I’d stumble upon a bad, dangerous person inside or just get turned around and get stuck in the pipes, its a wonder I’m still alive now that I think about it. Those were some of the best times I had, just exploring without a care in the world. I miss Austin, I feel like I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have. It will forever be my happy place. I need to get my bike out of the barn, I miss the feel of getting lost for hours.
I wonder if I will ever leave town. I think about that quite often. I don’t know that there is anywhere else I’d rather live, but I feel like I should leave to continue growing…perhaps. Only time will tell. I’m sitting here alone with my thoughts, my mind is racing a mile a minute but I’m still at a loss for words to describe what I am feeling. It’s interesting to say the least. My mind has been on this guy that used to hangout at my job. I guess he used to work there a long time ago, anyway he walked everywhere because he didn’t drive, at all. Didn’t have a wife or kids or any family, kind of a loner and possibly something was wrong with him. To just look at him, he looked homeless, even though he was not. He stayed in our store for hours, often until it closed cutting articles from newspapers and then falling asleep in our seating lounge. The managers all knew him, he was a former employee after all. I guess things started going downhill, and he would come in looking grimier than usual, a management change and the new ASD asked him to find somewhere else to hang out, and it became months and months since we saw him. I always worried that because he walked everywhere, something would happen to him. Well I hadn’t seen him in months and an attorney general came in and showed me a picture and asked me if I knew who he was. Well of course I did, he also asked if we had an emergency contact for him which we did not, I tried to snoop at his papers as he was not telling us what was going on. The only thing I saw was that he was a patient in a hospital. But why the attorney general? I asked my store manager, the only person that the attorney general was talking to, and the only thing he was able to tell me was that he wasn’t doing too good, and probably wasn’t going to make it. This guy literally had no one in the whole world that cared that he had disappeared except for us employees. I have no idea what happened to him, but the last time they saw him at our store, he had just had surgery on his legs and was using a walker…the only thing I can figure is maybe a hit and run? One of my ex coworkers lived in his apartment complex and said they moved him out, came and got his things and loaded them onto a truck. But what happened to him, and why does no one care? That’s what scares me the most in life. We’re on this planet with a gazillion other people and who’s to say that anyone is going to care about you when it comes to the end? Its so crucial to have human interaction with one another because life can be so tragic alone. I really pray for him and I hope everything is okay even though I’m sure it is not. If he’s not around anymore, I want to pay my respects to him and tell him that someone on this Earth, misses your presence.
Some days you wake up and you just feel really good about the day. I feel good today! Just downed a pot of coffee eggs and spinach, took care of devotionals, had my Friday plans cancel on me but hey it’s all good.
I was thinking about it and I have Friday and Saturday off, I’ll just head over to mamaws and see if me and jimmy can take the boat out. This is how I want to wake up every morning, early and happy! Happy Thursday y’all!
I still wonder what happened…
Thank you all for the interest you take in reading my posts, even if its only one of you in this entire universe, it means the world to me. I have been up since 4 this morning. Had to head back from New Orleans to make work at 1 pm today, so I am a bit exhausted. I meant to hit the gym but I was too tired so yet again I skipped. Whatever Amber, its on next week no excuses. I drank my gallon of water today and have a gorgeous piece of salmon in the oven as I type. I was able to finally purchase some Himalayan pink salt that I am trying out on the salmon. I have been so intrigued by this stuff since I first saw it in Dallas last year. The smell is incredible, so I am hopeful!
It’s good to be back home. Even though I was only gone two days, there’s always something peaceful about coming home from a trip. Setting your bags down and tending to the housework you left behind, which is what I will be up to tonight. My room has been a disaster for awhile, and I have vowed to get that back together. So I shall!
I’ve been really interested in doing some word art lately and I am thinking about seriously doing that soon. I have new vinyl, lots of knick knacks and poetry that I could combine in with said knick knacks and see what happens. Could make for some interesting wall art, or Christmas presents. I want my family to enjoy my creativity as much as I do even though I’ve been wasting it lately.
I’m in the market for a new chandelier and each and every one that I pass lately has been enticing me. I have a smallish 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house, and my chandelier is super old and perfect, as it is a family heirloom, but my uncle some how broke it a few months ago…no telling what he was doing when he broke it, but i digress. I’d like a semi small very beautiful radiant chandelier to take its place and I’m hoping to fall in love with the right one soon.
So many ideas for the remodeling of the house, I can’t wait to have it all come together. We had removed the carpet some months back and the wood floors are going to be restored its going to be beautiful when it all comes together. My younger sister (21) will be moving in with me and we have some plans but mostly will stick to the vintagey retro chic look that the house already kind of has. We will be adding a coffee/wine nook in the living room. My Papal built this beautiful long wood cabinet that he and Mamaw used to store all the stuffed animals he won for her from the little crane machines at local stores. We will use that to display our mugs and wine glasses and such. I have quite the impressive collection of coffee mugs.
I’ve been kind of hard on myself lately. Mostly because of my lack of going to the gym lately but its a new month, and things are going to get going soon. I’m still planning on trying for 21 days in a row. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit and I miss my gym sessions. I guess its kind of hard when you are so down on yourself, but like I said my clothes haven’t been fitting right and that just kind of bums me out. Instead of being bummed out, I need to go work on fixing that. I love working out! I just have to convince my head to get me there. It’s amazing how much power your thoughts have on you.
I’m ready to go on another trip, I don’t like to stay still too often. I really want to go hiking for a few days, lose my cell phone and just be one with nature and my thoughts and see if I don’t get an idea or two. Natural bodies of water are so peaceful to me, that is what I would want to hike around/to. When I was in 6th or 7th grade, I believe it was 7th grade, we took a school trip to Big Bend national park and I enjoyed it so much. I did the Window hike and remembered thinking how amazing it was that I had hiked such a long hike. I have wanted to go back ever since, and one day I will make it back out there. I would also love to make it back out to Colorado and do some more camping out there. One of my best friends from high school lives out there and she took my sister and I camping and it was cold but fun!
For now, I think Enchanted Rock would serve just fine, so one of these days I’m going to go out there and at least get a feel for what I am wanting to do even if its not exactly traveling somewhere. I need to actually research some new places to check out around Texas. I know for sure I would like to check out lovers leap in Waco and there’s a spot I’d like to check out near Lampasas. Rocks, natural water, I am there!
I’m ready for a new tattoo, I’m pretty sure this will be my last, for awhile at least. I am going to get one in memory of my Papal. He would hate it, but I think it would be a good way to honor him. He hated my tattoos but especially my plugs and honestly since he’s passed, I don’t have the heart to put them in my ears anymore, so I’ll probably let them close. I guess this is growing up. So much to do so little time! I’m ready to take the next step forward! Off to enjoy this salmon and do my devotionals.
I wrote this after my devotional tonight, not really much to it but, let me know what you think.
When you moved away that day, what could I say?
I fumbled with those words knowing that I would never again be “ok”
I watched that last load go up on that truck and thought, this is it.
There goes my life…
You pulled away without a second glance and tears streamed down my face.
What do I do now?
When I moved away, I said ok…here is my life.
I unpacked that last bag and thought, this is a new beginning.
A place of my own, a place to find just who I am and what I want.
I said goodbye to you that day, I said goodbye to my past thinking that I had said goodbye to my future.
The day I moved away, I never looked back.
Goodbye past, hello future. Today I take over, this is my story now.
Today is my last day in New Orleans as we are heading back pretty early tomorrow since I have to work Wednesday. I had a great time spending time with my family. We don’t always get to do things like this. We woke up today had breakfast and went to the French quarters. After three times being in this city, I finally got to have beignets at cafe du monde. I recommend the frozen coffee, it was fantastic. My sister, mom, Mamaw and I all shopped all day and like I said before, it was great spending time with them.
I went into peaches records and I can’t believe what their mark up on vinyl is. A vinyl I bought in New York for about 32 dollars was 89 here. I was really looking forward to going there and looking for records but their price tags were just too steep for my taste. But, they played one of my favorite songs of all time while I was in there, “Valerie” by Amy winehouse and I thought that was pretty awesome.
I’m pretty pooped, as much fun as this vacation was, it was short and fast paced and I’m ready to get back to the routine. I broke even I would say, down in the casino. I took my dad to play the tables and he really enjoyed them. We had nice dealers who told him how to play the games, (my dad is blind) and really worked with him and he had a lot of fun, I did too.
We have this amazing bathtub in the hotel room and I had a nice warm bubble bath while reading my book. It was nice, carefree and just what I needed to wind down.
I still have my devotionals to get after here in a bit but everything is pretty much on track, minus my gallon of water a day. It’s kind of hard to do that here as there aren’t clean bathrooms just everywhere.
Next week is nutcracker market! A family tradition every year of shopping and shopping and more shopping! It’s actually really extraordinary. All kinds of little shops and things to buy we truly enjoy it. I’m ready to get back home and get to work on my house. I’m kind of sad that I didn’t find any decor here but dad got an idea of how he wants to build my shower so that’s good!
The thing about life, is its not just mine. It’s my families too. I think about all the decisions I’ve made over the years and how those decisions effected them and, I’m really glad I’m on a better path now. Not that I was ever on a horrible path but a not so great one none the less.
Being alone isn’t the worse thing that can happen to you. Being alone gives you time to center yourself, be one with your creator and find out what makes you happy. How are you going to love someone if you can’t first love yourself? I think about this all the time. It’s easy for someone to fall in love with you, but hard for you to fall in love with yourself. Why is that? We should be our own biggest fan. The only person that I am certain to grow old with is myself and how am I going to do that if we don’t get along? Something I’m still working on, but will master the art of someday. Goodnight from New Orleans!