This is one of the poems that I wrote as part of the 30 poems in 30 days challenge.
Keep it simple
Hand in hand
I will be yours if you be mine
A strand in time
A journey that we both are part of.
The waves lapping in the sea.
I think that you are a large piece of me.
You see, I was broken for a long time then you Came to be a part of my mind and in that instant life changed.
My life changed.
Not sure how our paths crossed
Or if this is meant to be or even if you know how much you mean to me.
How much this means to me.
The storm rages, but your heart is my light house. You shine my way home.
Fresh mindset. Starting over fresh and with a positive mind. Blah, blah blah…but it feels good! Two days back with the devotionals and I just came back from the gym woot. I have a short term/long term goal depending on your definition of time, I am going to jump out of a plane for my 30th birthday! This gives me something to look forward to I am hoping to slim down a bit before then as well. The thought has occurred to me that maybe it all works itself out. I’m thinking really hard about what my next step is. I can’t say that I know the answer to that question but lets just say that it is finally making its presence known in my head. Hey Amber, what’s next? You, know if money wasn’t an issue and you were to ask me what my dream job would be, first and foremost I’ve always wanted to be a writer, that’s a given. But if I could have any job on Earth, I’d be some semi popular bands merch girl. I would love to travel the world with a band, sell their gear and even promote/book them. This is something I’ve wanted to do for years since my buddies had their own bands. So, if there happens to be a member of a band that would want to feed me, house me, and road trip me all around, inquire here! Will help drive, and I have a clean and clear driving record. I have super strength and if you show me how to break down your equipment I’ll help do that too! What better way to see the world then to travel with a band? I also have great music taste!
Today I went to see Andrea Gibson perform. Not a huge deal, I’ve seen them a few times now but, I watched as they became triggered on stage. See, this whole night was a little off for me. Seems I’ve been triggered all evening. I spent 7 years in an abusive relationship and I’m not quite sure that I’ve completely healed from that. Like, how does one even know they are healed from that? Time keeps going and yet I’m still standing still. The thing that hurts the most about everything is that I’ve lost sight of who I am. Every now and then I’ll gain perspective as to who I am, who I was, who I should be but its just a glance. It seems to leave as fast as it appears. Anyway back to my night, I sensed that their opener was super down and my heart kind of stayed in that mood with her. I have this theory that I feel too much. I can’t really feel my own emotions, but I feel everyone elses and tonight I felt hers. So as I sat there, alone I felt as though I was heart broken. In a sense I am…but how so? There’s been a void in my heart for awhile now and I’m not sure what that is. I’ve neglected my devotionals, my workouts, my writing, etc. people keep asking me if im okay…No, I’m not okay and what even is okay? Is okay living day to day around a work schedule and avoiding anything and everyone else? Is okay waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare that shakes you to your bone? Is okay living in a three room house alone and realizing more and more everyday that the probability of you being alone forever is pretty big. My mind is a mess of thoughts and words all jumbled up that I’m afraid I won’t get written down and will escape before I can put a handle on what I’m feeling. No, Im not okay. Not in a sense that okay would be a good thing cause I’m still trying to figure out what that even means. I’m not sure that anyone is comprehending what I feel. Im not sure that I’m comprehending what I feel. I just know that okay is a cruddy term to deem ones mood. Tomorrow is a new day in which I choose to work on me. I will arise from sleep with a fresh head, clear eyes and razor sharp focus…or something like that.
Sorry for my absence but I guess I don’t deal with death all that great. I mean no guess, I know I don’t deal well. The reality of immortality not existing on the Earth, hit me when I lost not one, but both of my grandfathers in the span of well a little less than two weeks. I can’t begin to even put any kind of handle on the grief I’ve been dealing with not to mention my parents, their siblings, my sister, my mamaw. What a tough month. I know they are better off and happy and no pain and at the foot of Jesus and all that really good and cool stuff that happens when we pass but, why? Why did my Papal just up and leave us with no warning? You never cherish your grandparents enough I don’t believe, before they leave you. Yes, its temporary but too often I’m confronted with this feeling of regret. Don’t get me wrong, I have tons of fond memories of my Papal and Wello, but what if I had just a few more visits with them. My Papal was a great man, he really cared a great deal about his family. He worked so hard his entire life, and was just beginning to enjoy it the last few years, this year especially because him and my Mamaw finally built that pool that they wanted. I swam today in his pool, that will always be his pool and as I swam deeper and deeper down to the bottom, I caught a feel of my Papal, I can’t really describe it but I know he’s still enjoying that pool. I think its really sad that the first time all his grandchildren got to enjoy it together, he was not there and that this last time we took the boat out, he wasn’t there. Except that he is, and he was. The clouds broke and the sun shone down on that water in the ocean/bay, whatever water we were in and I know that was my Papal telling his sons, you did good…you got this boat out here without me.
There will be a lot that will be done without him but he’s still with us. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t crying as I wrote this. We all deal with grief differently. My way has always been to run, in this instance, I’ve run away from all my responsibilities and I’m desperately clinging onto the only grandparent I have left. Which is a good thing…well the spending time with Mamaw bit but the running away from life not so much. Papal worked hard his entire life, Welo too and I know that I’m not working as hard as I could, and I’m not doing what I’m passionate about as much as I should be but I know that life slows down for no one, no matter how much pain you may be feeling. My grandfathers taught me a lot about the way I want to live my life, they taught me a lot about the kind of man I want to marry some day. It breaks my heart to think that if that day ever comes, they won’t be there to share it with me. My grandfathers were two of the manliest men I knew. I can’t rewind time, but I can thank you for everything you did for me, that made my life better, easier. Thank you for the love and memories you’ve given me. When I think of my childhood, it will be remembered with big bear hugs and bristly kisses from that hairy chin of Papals. I’ll remember all of the summers spent in Austin at my Mamaw and Papals house, my happy place, the above ground pool that was the best pool ever at that time. Being dragged to the ranch even though I didn’t want to go, I wish so much that I could go up there one last time with you. You staring at my ears the last couple of years and swearing they were bigger and me lying saying they weren’t (I promise I’ll take the damn gauges out and I would have took them out faster if you would have just stayed) I love you Papal…there are not enough words to express the love I have for you, or the right ones to tell the world what an incredible grandfather you were. Until we meet again.
As a teen, I was a horrible driver! But, who isn’t though? Wreck after wreck, crash after crash, smash after smash, it was tough on my folks and tough on my vechicle. Fast forward to the year 2015 and I’m in my late 20s, driving two cars that have been meaning to get rid of for months, if not years. My parents invite me to lunch, I signal to get on the freeway boom and the. The sound of metal scraping, and I have no control of my car…well that’s awesome I’m going to die right here on this major freeway no big deal. Well, by some sort of miracle I am able to get the car to the side of the road and commense freaking out. Don’t get me wrong, this is a huge disaster but maybe I’d feel less angry and more thankful for my life if the same thing hadn’t happened a month ago! What the actual heck!? So my mechanic tried to kill me or something…God forbid one tire rod snaps or whatever happened, hmm…maybe we should check the other side!!!
Nevertheless, I digress. I like my life, I don’t really want to tempt fate by driving around in a car that repeatedly tries to harm me. I’m contemplating life and destroying this car when my parents pull up, shortly after the safe clear towtruck that I called pulls up. The plan is to tow the car to the mechanics, you remember the one that tried to kill me, when a police officer appears from behind the tow truck and approaches all three of us (my dad, me and the tow truck driver) and asks us what the conversation in the side of the freeway was about. Daisies officer, daisies. I like to contemplate daisies on the side of the freeway with my parents and a tow truck driver I will have to pay for his time and thoughts about the daisies is what I should have said if I wasn’t keeping up with the news and scared of police officers. My dad, who is blind in case I have failed to mention, said who are you? The officer said who am I? Can you not read this badge? I said no he can’t he’s actually blind and by that time my dad who is high strung was mad and the officer continues to be rude to my dad, and my dad right back to him and finally my dad said you didn’t identify yourself to me how am I supposed to know you’re an officer. At that point the officer tells the tow truck driver to load the car there’s nothing more to discuss. Mind you we’ve already talked to the tow truck driver about using his services to go to the mechanics. The officer then smarts off and tells me to watch my dad we wouldn’t want him wandering into traffic. Really? Of course the chicken shit I am just sat there and took it. After we pull off the freeway we are having the tow truck follow us and the officer drives up to my window and asks me where the car is going, still very rude and I told him the mechanics. He then said well you need to tell the tow truck driver that and I said we had agreed on that before you walked up and dismissed all of us. I get that tension is high right now because of everything going on but there was no reason for him to act that way torqued my dad. That shows me, that there’s a lack of respect for those with disabilities. I wasn’t aware that blind people were supposed to identify themselves as such. Also, the rudeness and lack of respect to two law abiding citizens who happened to be distressed and in danger on the side of that freeway was unacceptable, maybe if we were breaking a law but the only thing I broke was my car!
At the end of my rant here, I’d like to thank God for this and all hard situations that make us learn. I ask God to give us strength to deal with the small things, the strength to deal with superiors that are unkind who knows, maybe it’s a stress factor, may I just use this blog to vent and not hold a grudge against this human, because we are all humans and we all have faults. Let us respect those that have disabilities and treat them like humans and not less. Mostly is like to thank Him for the opportunity to purchase a new, safe car in which I hope to have many new adventures in. Thank you God for always being present in my life even when I don’t see you.
Okay, so I did very well with this dietbet thing I took part in. I lost a total of about 14 lbs but since then, I’ve been slacking a bit. Okay, a lot. So, I think I’ve come up with a plan of action. Starting September 1st, if I get fast food or a soda, I will be donating the amount spent, to a charity of my choice. It will probably be the Houston food bank. The only exception would be when I’m on vacation however, I will try my hardest to stick to this even with being away from home. The way I see it, even if I mess up, which believe me I do, at least I’m donating to a good cause. I don’t even like fast food so I don’t quite know why the craving is so out of control sometimes. Same goes for soda! It’s not even good! #crackiswack Along with this, I will continue starting my fitness journey with bribes. I say continue because upon writing this, I’m 4 days without working out which is just insane to me but my excuse and believe me I have plenty of those, is that I have been a bit under the weather. Earache for amber is like a thorn in a lions paw! Roar it hurts! Starting September, the first week I hit the gym 5 days out of 7, I will reward myself with a new book, 2nd week a new vinyl, and so on. If I can’t get to the gym in New York then I will at least go for a walk outside or sight seeing. I need yet another kickstart back into my flow of things I hate missing days but once I miss, it’s easy to continue not going. I think a lot about my lack of commitment to things and last night these thoughts kept me awake late into the night. Why is it so hard for me to “seal the deal”? I start lots of things that I never finish so what’s the deal? At about 2am I remembered that my mom had given me a bag of stuff I left at her house and among those things, was the degree holder? The thing they give you when you graduate a sleeve? Case? Displayer? Something like that nevertheless, I put my degree in it and really stared at it and thought, I started school and then stopped…and then started…and then stopped…several times, but for once in my life, I saw it through to the end. Well the end of one degree anyways. No matter how long it took I saw it through and I will see this fitness journey through, even though it will never be through. It is thoroughly something I enjoy and I won’t let me stop myself from becoming a better, stronger, fitter person. I have so many things I want to do in life and literally taking the weight off my shoulders will help! My first goal is to get back under 300 and my long term goal is to lose 100 lbs with no set time frame. This journey is for me.
Blanketed in the corner at the back of the closet lies my best intention.
A mere thought, a mere grasp of something great and then lost.
Shoved in the corner, next to a forgotten hobby or two, that’s where I left my last chance with you.
Scattered newspapers lie abandoned with headlines past, a time we thought would always last.
It sets in like dust on a shelf, a book left untouched the ending a bust.
But the quiet consumes the thoughts of the mind. Only time will tell if our hero prevails.