Lately I’ve been thinking about beauty, and how I don’t consider myself to be a person of beauty.  The latter of that statement is silly, I know but I’m being honest.  You know how you can look at a beautiful person and just say wow that person is beautiful, I can’t look at myself and think the same.  So how do I fix that?  Avoiding mirrors and pictures is what I tend to do, but that’s not really solving my problem with myself, it’s avoiding it.

So, what is beauty? Is it something we possess, or is it something someone tells us that we havez, or we are and then we feel as though we have it or contain it?

Where did this stigma of beauty begin?  If you were to look inside me, I’d say down underneath all this physical me, you’d see a beautiful me…maybe.  If you were to ask God, He wouldn’t have the slightest wonder of what beauty is, He would tell you that he sees all his children as beautiful.

But why can’t we see it in ourselves, why do we question our worth based on beauty? Is the whole world seeing what I see, or is just me?

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In a city full of people, its easy to be overlooked.  It’s easy to overlook people.  You become your routine, wake up, get ready, work, gym, back home, and the people in between don’t really catch your eye and you don’t catch anyones either.  You fall into a sort of trance, a daze except when you go to lay your head down and your thoughts grab hold of you.  Everything you left unfinished, everything you left unsaid, it all comes rushing back to you as you lay in bed.  Sometimes, you hate this time awake, but you’re grateful that the nightmares have stopped.  The ones where you’d wake up gasping for air, sore throat, so real that it couldn’t have been just a dream, remember those?  Its funny how things linger for so long, long after the person is gone, long after the nightmare you lived, becomes something that keeps you awake at night.  You close your eyes for a second, and then the piercing cry of the alarm jolts you awake.  How can it be time to wake, when you have barely rest your eyes?  The light fries your pupils a bit but you’re happy for another day, a day in which anything could happen, though it probably won’t, but there’s always that chance, and that’s one of those things that you live for.  That chance that things could be better, or worse than your current situation.  That chance that the stranger you meet on the train, could be the one you grow old with someday.  The chance that instead of going into work one day, you call out and find adventure nestled down deep somewhere you haven’t been before.  Sand and waves calling to you, amongst the boring every day errands that demand attention.  The possibilities day in day out are a gift from God, one that I had never taken the time to notice before.  The sun setting over a mountainside, the sun rising on an ocean shore.  The beauty of the Earth, the beauty of creation lies before us everyday.  To actually open your eyes, and embrace the beauty all around us is a choice we must make daily.

Wait, you started a blog and then stopped?

Yes, I started a blog and then stopped.  Story of my life.  Started to lose weight and then stopped, started to go to school and then stopped, started to get my life together but then stopped, started a novel but then stopped.  I see a pattern here.  Well, it is true I’m not good at routine and I’m not good at finishing things.  I don’t like to be taken out of my comfort zone but I will change this.  I am currently participating in a dietbet to get myself back on track with the gym.  If I lose 13 pounds in a month which, I think is plausible, I will split a pot that keeps getting bigger but last I checked was at 37,000 dollars.  So there’s that.  I’m back to reading about 2-3 devotionals a day and making my way through the Bible.  That’s one thing I haven’t lost hope in.  To quote the ever talented kind of creepy Miley Cyrus, “It’s all about the climb”  well you know what it really is.  I’ve been through the ringer and I keep coming back for more.  I recently went to Los Angeles and decided I was going to get as close to that Hollywood sign as I could.  No one told me I would hike about 10 miles that day, and mostly uphill.  That wasn’t the challenge I faced at all.  Yes I’m a bit overweight but I love to climb things so that was the easy part.  The challenges that I faced were the heat and dragging my friend and their “broken back” up these steep scary paths they were not able to.  But the thing is, I had seen pictures from where I was heading and they were breathtaking and it was something I had to see for myself, with my own eyes.  So I did the hike in some parts 2 to 3 times trying to find the easiest way to get my friend up the path and when we got there some hours later, let me tell you the journey was more than worth it.  So I leave you with this, the path to the beauty ahead, does not come easy.  There will be struggles, there will be failures but the beauty in life comes from what you make out of it.  It does not matter what others are doing with their lives it matters only what you are doing with yours.  When you look back at your life, will it be lived, or will it be just a routine that you were a part of, never actually climbing that mountain to see what the scenery had to offer?cali