The Thunder Rolls

Blame it on the booze,

or the pills,

or the late night feels…

Blame it on the one that got away,

or the one who chose not to stay,

or the one that wasn’t actually ever the one, not even just a little bit.

Everything,

everyone,

acted as a filler, something that filled the void,

until you realized that the void was something that could never be filled by a person.

A mere mortal could not fill the emptiness that you couldn’t ever describe,

couldn’t even begin to describe.

The emptiness could only be filled, as you dove deeper and deeper into the Word,

and the Word was heard and the rest,

well the rest just didn’t really matter after that.

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And I can’t quite see just where it was,just where it used to be

After waiting nearly 3 months and just accepting the fact that I would never be paid from my former employer, I finally received my last check and I may or may not have jumped for joy!  (May not). It’s been a heck of a ride since quitting but a few things I’ve realized

1) Retail is terrible, and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy…not that I have any of those.  I’d rather call them lurkers

2)Life is so much more pleasant when you aren’t wasting 40+ hours in a job you absolutely loathe, simply because you have health insurance and a steady income.

3)If you aren’t living a life that enables you to use your God given talents, are you really even living?  The answer of course, especially in my case, is no.

4)No matter how safe a job, or a friendship, or a relationship for that matter might make you feel, you weren’t meant to live a life of safety.  There is no sense in sticking with that meaningless job, or that meaningless relationship, especially when it becomes toxic.  True blessings come from living a life with Christ, and to live a life with Christ, sometimes you have to step out of that safety zone and embark upon that great unknown.

She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and embarks upon what could be her biggest adventure yet.

Easter Sunday, Social Media, and everything inbetween

First and foremost, Easter Sunday was an incredible day as it often is, had a beautiful service at my Mamaw’s church and was happy to see she has people that care about her as well as a nice little church home.  We had communion and the last couple of times I’ve had communion, it has been such a powerful experience for me, I wouldn’t be able to even put into words, but I think it has to do with a growing spiritual relationship with Christ.  I spent the day with my Mamaw, my Mom had to work and Dad was at home, but overall it was a good day, except when I started browsing the news feed on my facebook.

I’m Christian, I don’t claim to know everything about everything.  I try very hard not to judge people on anything, I mesh well with people of all nationalities, religious backgrounds, sexual preferences, etc…but I really find it offensive when someone bashes Jesus on any day, but specifically on Easter.  I get that some people aren’t believers I get that so much, but some of the things people post about, and some of the memes that are posted with crucifixion pictures and jokes are just terribly offensive to me.  I’m not sure when that started bothering me, but it’s truly enough for me to want to get off social media entirely.  Instead, I’ve been hitting that unfriend button quite frequently today and though that doesn’t help the cause, I’m ridding myself of negative energy.

I get that people don’t have the same beliefs, I understand that we are born with free will, and come to Christ at our own pace, if even at all but I don’t understand how the biggest sacrifice ever made, can be mocked all these years later.  Someone died, all the worlds pain was put on the back of this man, to free us of our sins and yet we mock Him all these years later just like he was mocked on the cross?  It makes you really wonder about society.  I know I’m not perfect, no one is, no one will be except for Christ himself, but I can’t believe how tacky adults can be.  Lately to me all Facebook and other social media forms are nothing but a means to brag about what we have and what we don’t have, where we’re going and where we’ve been, don’t get me wrong I’m guilty of all this too, but lately its just really been weighing on my mind.

So what do I do?  A fast of social media in my life needs to happen I believe.  It’s getting to the point that I dread signing onto things lately.  I’m proposing a shutdown of my facebook, snapchat, instagram for the course of one month.  Possibly keeping instagram going because I am a new photographer and trying to get some sort of following on this blog and or my photos.  I’d still be available via this blog and email, but just wouldn’t be so active on facebook.  I tried this experiment with Tumblr I guess about a year ago, and I kind of sort of never went back.

Posting this, maybe I’m being judgmental, but I don’t make it a point to publicly bash ones beliefs, and I was very offended today by some of the things I saw out there.  How can I be more of a kind, compassionate person, when it comes to social media, with a more positive social presence, than I am being now?  Am I realizing that what I say day to day, can be seen by just about anyone and is it something that might be offending someone else as well?  Something to think about, before I post.

But, how do we make ourselves happy?

I haven’t posted in awhile, because I’ve been in my feels lately.  I’m usually this easy going, carefree, messy hair type of gal, but even with all of that, I am constantly in my head.  The weight of the world gets kind of heavy, and it’s really hard to put into words just what I’m going through.  Basically, I’m a sad kind of girl, sad for no real reason I suppose.  I seem to have everything going for me, but I’m constantly feeling a void, and I can’t fill that void no matter how hard I try.

I know what you are thinking, easy fix, JESUS.  Well yes, and no, my spiritual well being has a lot to do with my mental well being, and my mental well being has a lot to do with my physical well being.  When I get down in the dumps, everything shuts down on me.  Literally, everything.  First, and I hate to admit this, but when I’m in a funk, the first thing that stops is, my devotionals.  I’ll be the first to tell you that journaling over the past three years or so, has saved my life in the sense that I’ve found purpose, I’ve found something to live for, that’s not to say my life was going to end, or that I have nothing to live for, it just changed my life for the better.  If I know how happy this makes me, and how wonderful it is to have a special bond with our savior, who wants us to come to Him at our lowest, why does it stop, why do I stop?

When the journaling and time with Christ stops, I get really really guilty, and I feel so low that I think no one cares, then the isolation starts, and then the skipping of my workouts occur.  Being a bigger girl, you can always tell when I’m upset, as my weight always fluctuates with my mental state.  Now no, I’m not over here with all these things wrong with me, on my death bed, world is so cruel, can’t get better, just let me rot in pieces kind of mentality, but its more like please won’t you please turn the lights off in my room, lock the door and leave me alone to sleep as the world turns.  Let me tell you, the easiest way I ever stopped devotionals, is my having a date on the top of each one.  Do you know how hard it is to be a day behind, a week behind, a month behind, it can be very disheartening.

Back to Amber, lights out, blankets on top of her, world tuned out.  What happened to my friends?  I don’t even have the want or strength to text them back, or check on them, which really and truly it’s amazing I still have friends.  My energy level is so bad, that I can’t even pick up my favorite book, or do much of anything but stare off into the distance for hours at a time.  Lowest of low, and this isn’t like a once a year type of thing, this is happening more frequently where I can’t really just shut it off.  So, where do we go from here?

My intentions with this post, is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, or worry about me, or anything to that nature, it’s meant to put a face to the fear I feel inside, the constant need to just shut the world out and hide.  Because, quite frankly dealing with this world, and people in this wold, can be exhausting.  I sometimes wish there was an off button, just so my brain would stop thinking for five minutes, just so that instead of isolating myself from everyone around me, I could just shut them out and take a little break.

That being said, this post poses a question, how do we make ourselves happy.  When I’m not feeling all that great, I want to look back, and remember that these things make me happy.

Christ, He is my salvation, my biggest fan, even when I’m not a fan of myself.  He is always here for me, even when I push Him to the side.  Without Him, where would my life be?  Who would I be living for?

2. Children that really love, and admire you for just being you.  Brutally honest you, kids are the true MVPs.  They let you know quite honestly what they think of you.  I have a gig every Friday night with two of the cutest little boys you ever saw, and they brought me so much happiness in a time when I didn’t even know I needed it.  They are the sunshiney rays of my week, every week and I kind of hope it stays like that forever, or as long as it can.

3.My happy place, that is currently under construction.  My bedroom was so dreary and down, it was easy to get lost in isolation in there.  Now, I’ve painted the walls yellow, and invite only good vibes in.  I can’t wait to move back in, and finally take pride in my home.

4)The fact that my friends understand that sometimes I just need to be alone, but still check on me to see that I’m not hurting myself by being alone for too long.

5)Writing!  Dearest Amber, do you know how long you hid from your written thoughts, and do you know how much you miss it, and how even if you never do anything with what you write, it is your gift, and you not embracing it, is wasting your God given talent.

6)Reading!  A good book takes you out of your mind and into wherever the author wants you to be.

7)Shopping for books!  Nothing better than randomly finding something you want to read eventually, even if you still have 100 books from your previous shopping trips to dive into.

This bloggers eyes are getting heavy, but I’ll leave with this little bit of knowledge that I gathered from this post.  I will never come to terms with the short lifespan I have in this world if I waste the gift of time given to me by not using my talent to serve others.  My grandpa left this world at 68, do you think he wasted his time moping around?  No, he was too busy living his life, and providing for his family both financially and spiritually.  Maybe I’m able to come to terms with what I’ve been dealing with since life became a little more precious to me after losing my Papal, or maybe I’m just ready to come to terms with what is holding me back as I grow older whatever the case may be, something has to change and I have to find out on my own, what makes ME happy.

Challenge Accepted!

Once again, yours truly has been challenged!  Well we all know this girl has balls (its an inside joke, ask me about it some day) so I accepted!  For the month of November I will be expected to write 1000 words daily.  To keep up with this, I will be writing here.  I will also open the floor to any suggestions, topics to write about, prompts etc if you should so choose to throw your blogger here a bone.  I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be lately.  That’s always the topic at large in my head.  I am in desperate need of a new home church.  It keeps revealing itself in my devotionals and in the back of my mind, I just keep coming back to the same thing.  I need a home church!  Its one thing to read my Bible every day, but quite another to discuss what I am learning and being able to receive feedback of what others are getting from what they are reading.  I’m craving this so much lately.  I am setting a short term goal for myself.  By the end of this year, I will at least be regularly visiting churches, or have found my new home church.  This needs to happen for me to continue on my journey and I have to stop avoiding it.  As a sidebar, my other short term goal is to go to the doctor before the end of my health insurance year which is like March.  I have avoided the doctor even longer than I have avoided going to church.  I am almost positive if not completely positive that I stopped going to church when my great grandma passed away, 4 years ago.  Shame on Amber!  That feels awful to actually admit.  I’m reading a book at the moment I believe its called Shine I think its written by the Newsboys and it talks about how you can tell who the true practicing, give my life to God, christians are based on where they are in life.  Not necessarily status, but whether they are living for Christ, or just living for this world.  My life has been pretty much the same for a few years and I feel like that is because I’m not actually giving Christ my all.  I am sitting here thinking to myself, well you don’t drink, you don’t do drugs, you read your Bible thats enough to get you to Heaven…but is it?  If I’m not blogging, and I’m not writing, then I’m wasting the talent that God gave me.  If I’m wasting my talent, then I am not using it for his good.  If I’m not doing things for Him then why even bother?  I should be furthering His kingdom rather than my own.  We get tied up in our Earthly possessions that we don’t see that they are just that, Earthly possessions.  As much as I’d love to add a tow hitch to my casket, and fill a trailer of all my possessions to take with me to Heaven, at this present time that is just not able to happen.  I feel like I’m jumping all around in this post but bare with me.  I look around at all this clutter I’ve collected in my 29 years and I think to myself, why?  Does it make me happy?  Momentarily maybe but not always and just for a little bit.  That is something I am always trying to find an answer to, how do I make myself happy?  There have been plenty of times where I’ve said to myself, if only I had this gadget, I’d be content or if I had this one, or this one but then after I get said gadget, that feeling of not being complete comes back.  I’ve found that I, myself, am only truly happy when I am putting Christ first.  That’s not to say that by putting Him first, all my problems are erased, because that’s simply not true.  However, by putting Him first, I see that when I am down and out He is there with me.  He never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.  I need His help to keep me going on this path that I want to be going down.  I need to know someone believes in me when I do not.  I know a lot of people believe in me, but sometimes that doesn’t mean anything when you aren’t feeling it yourself.  Moral of the story, by the end of the year I will find me a new church home!  I am determined to make this happen!  This here is a practice post to determine how hard its going to be to write 1000 words and let me tell you, its not going to be easy!  The thing about my life is that it’s not mine.  When have I had all of the bad vibes coming at me, that is when I think that this life is mine.  When I give my life to Christ, i see that even when bad vibes are coming my way, it’s all good because I have Christ on my side and we are like the power team ready to just kick those bad vibes outta the ball park.  But why then?  For the story.  I want to live my life for the story that we are going to create, for the story that I might create.  I’ve wanted to write since I was a kid when I was like 6 everyone would ask me what I wanted to be and my answer was always a writer.  How can I be a writer if I don’t work on this skill and perfect it.   If I even have this skill that I think I have.  Maybe I’m not cut out to do what I’ve dreamed about my entire life but if I’m not willing to fall flat on my face trying, then what is the point?  Til we meet again readers.