I haven’t posted in awhile, because I’ve been in my feels lately. I’m usually this easy going, carefree, messy hair type of gal, but even with all of that, I am constantly in my head. The weight of the world gets kind of heavy, and it’s really hard to put into words just what I’m going through. Basically, I’m a sad kind of girl, sad for no real reason I suppose. I seem to have everything going for me, but I’m constantly feeling a void, and I can’t fill that void no matter how hard I try.
I know what you are thinking, easy fix, JESUS. Well yes, and no, my spiritual well being has a lot to do with my mental well being, and my mental well being has a lot to do with my physical well being. When I get down in the dumps, everything shuts down on me. Literally, everything. First, and I hate to admit this, but when I’m in a funk, the first thing that stops is, my devotionals. I’ll be the first to tell you that journaling over the past three years or so, has saved my life in the sense that I’ve found purpose, I’ve found something to live for, that’s not to say my life was going to end, or that I have nothing to live for, it just changed my life for the better. If I know how happy this makes me, and how wonderful it is to have a special bond with our savior, who wants us to come to Him at our lowest, why does it stop, why do I stop?
When the journaling and time with Christ stops, I get really really guilty, and I feel so low that I think no one cares, then the isolation starts, and then the skipping of my workouts occur. Being a bigger girl, you can always tell when I’m upset, as my weight always fluctuates with my mental state. Now no, I’m not over here with all these things wrong with me, on my death bed, world is so cruel, can’t get better, just let me rot in pieces kind of mentality, but its more like please won’t you please turn the lights off in my room, lock the door and leave me alone to sleep as the world turns. Let me tell you, the easiest way I ever stopped devotionals, is my having a date on the top of each one. Do you know how hard it is to be a day behind, a week behind, a month behind, it can be very disheartening.
Back to Amber, lights out, blankets on top of her, world tuned out. What happened to my friends? I don’t even have the want or strength to text them back, or check on them, which really and truly it’s amazing I still have friends. My energy level is so bad, that I can’t even pick up my favorite book, or do much of anything but stare off into the distance for hours at a time. Lowest of low, and this isn’t like a once a year type of thing, this is happening more frequently where I can’t really just shut it off. So, where do we go from here?
My intentions with this post, is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, or worry about me, or anything to that nature, it’s meant to put a face to the fear I feel inside, the constant need to just shut the world out and hide. Because, quite frankly dealing with this world, and people in this wold, can be exhausting. I sometimes wish there was an off button, just so my brain would stop thinking for five minutes, just so that instead of isolating myself from everyone around me, I could just shut them out and take a little break.
That being said, this post poses a question, how do we make ourselves happy. When I’m not feeling all that great, I want to look back, and remember that these things make me happy.
Christ, He is my salvation, my biggest fan, even when I’m not a fan of myself. He is always here for me, even when I push Him to the side. Without Him, where would my life be? Who would I be living for?
2. Children that really love, and admire you for just being you. Brutally honest you, kids are the true MVPs. They let you know quite honestly what they think of you. I have a gig every Friday night with two of the cutest little boys you ever saw, and they brought me so much happiness in a time when I didn’t even know I needed it. They are the sunshiney rays of my week, every week and I kind of hope it stays like that forever, or as long as it can.
3.My happy place, that is currently under construction. My bedroom was so dreary and down, it was easy to get lost in isolation in there. Now, I’ve painted the walls yellow, and invite only good vibes in. I can’t wait to move back in, and finally take pride in my home.
4)The fact that my friends understand that sometimes I just need to be alone, but still check on me to see that I’m not hurting myself by being alone for too long.
5)Writing! Dearest Amber, do you know how long you hid from your written thoughts, and do you know how much you miss it, and how even if you never do anything with what you write, it is your gift, and you not embracing it, is wasting your God given talent.
6)Reading! A good book takes you out of your mind and into wherever the author wants you to be.
7)Shopping for books! Nothing better than randomly finding something you want to read eventually, even if you still have 100 books from your previous shopping trips to dive into.
This bloggers eyes are getting heavy, but I’ll leave with this little bit of knowledge that I gathered from this post. I will never come to terms with the short lifespan I have in this world if I waste the gift of time given to me by not using my talent to serve others. My grandpa left this world at 68, do you think he wasted his time moping around? No, he was too busy living his life, and providing for his family both financially and spiritually. Maybe I’m able to come to terms with what I’ve been dealing with since life became a little more precious to me after losing my Papal, or maybe I’m just ready to come to terms with what is holding me back as I grow older whatever the case may be, something has to change and I have to find out on my own, what makes ME happy.