so happy together?

When the chains are finally broken, and your arms are unbound, you breathe in a sigh of relief and say to yourself, thank God that isn’t me anymore.

the air smells so much fresher these days, the trails leading to all sorts of different ways.  The obsession is done, you’re no longer the target, best regards to you and your next broken hearted.

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I want to see you be brave.

I’m reading this book that is literally changing my life.  I struggle so much with trying to find the person I was pre-psychopath.  Pre-psychopath you might ask, so you’re a psychopath?  No, I just allowed one in my life for a long time, 7 years to be exact.  What I didn’t realize is that I was being manipulated, and fed lies the whole time.  What I never realized, is that not talking about it and not acknowledging what had happened, left me even more of a shell than who I was before.

I write a lot about the same things, I know that, these things just hold a large chunk of space in my head.  I realize that by holding everything in, I prolonged the inevitable healing process.  Without truly telling the right kind of person what I went through, I have spent years thinking that something is wrong with me, that it’s my fault that I went through what I went through, and that I am not healing properly after all this time.  I’ve sabotaged relationships, friendships, not to mention myself, by thinking that I’m not worthy of love.

When you go through a relationship with an abuser, your whole self changes without you even knowing it.  They mirror you, to become the person that they know you want them to be, when in reality they are empty, characterless, and pure evil.  When the mirroring stage is over, they slowly change you.  Going through abuse, be it mental, physical or emotional, changes your perspective on the world and that’s the thing, was your perspective even real in the first place?

Going through that, changed my view of the world.  I lost my innocence, I lost trust in mankind, and I lost any and all self-confidence I had pre-psychopath.  I lost everything, I lost my hobbies, I lost my interests, I lost myself.  There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, the only reason I would was to go to work.  I cancelled plans with friends, cancelled dates.  Who cares what I looked like, you were lucky if I even had the strength to run a comb through my hair.  Did I eat today? Who was I even?  I was so numb,  I am still mostly numb.  But, the reason I’m typing all of this out, and giving a very brief, you’re welcome, synopsis of the whole thing is that, just like my last post stated, I am ready to start healing.

I’ve been journaling for a few years now, and that has helped, but now I’m ready to forgive and let it go.  I realize now that it wasn’t my fault, I realize now that any one can fall into something like this, and I realize now that there are plenty of people that have fallen into something like this, and it’s not something to be taken lightly.  I should have had a support system, possibly this healing process could have started sooner.  But, knowing the hard head I am, it wasn’t going to start until I was ready.  If you are struggling through something like this, don’t do it alone.  There are all sorts of ways to resources out there to help you and I through.  Psychopathfree.com is an excellent place to start, survivors of all types are there to listen and support you, as they’ve been down that road too.  I am ready to return to who I was, I am slowly coming to life again, slowly enjoying old hobbies.

I’ve been pushing people away for a long time, but I know this is something I have to get out in the open, but at the same time it is something I have to deal with on my own.  No one can make a better person but myself.  I just pray for strength, this has taken so much out of me over the years.  I’ve beat myself up, dragged myself through the ringer, thought I was fine, and realized its all a facade.  I can’t tell you how it worked out that I ended up stranded in Austin with hours to kill, which led me to kill time at BookPeople.  How is it that I was looking for a book for a friend, and ended up somehow in the self help section, with nothing in mind, just browsing and came across this book that not only made me realize there still is a problem, is helping me learn that it is FINALLY time to fix it. God works in mysterious ways.  All I know, is it feels good to finally breathe.

And with a click of a button…

Today, I decided I’ll try something new.  I’m going to go to my photos and randomly click a number and tell you all a story that has something to do with said pic.  Sound good?  Okay, here goes…IMG_0975  Such a beautiful place, Shakespeare’s garden in Central Park in New York City which I just so happened to visit during the weekend of September 11th.  I’ve been to New York once before, a few years ago.  Did not enjoy it very much that first time because the cost and the rental car distracted me from this beautiful city.  The friends I went with had their own issues and I was kind of getting hurt about not seeing what I wanted to see, so the day before my last day I took off on my own in the great and lovely New York City.  First stop, Central Park.  I desperately wanted to sit in the park for a few hours and both write as well as read my book that I had brought along with me.  I woke myself up at about 6 am went down and chowed down on the free breakfast at the hotel and then I was off on my merry way.  One thing about me, I am super shy so I was afraid to ask for directions another thing about me, I am a horrible map follower!  I am so happy that we have GPS now days, it makes not getting lost so much easier!  I grabbed a map and began to walk the 27 blocks to Central Park.  I was told I wouldn’t make it, but I totally did!  I got there and wow I was taken aback by the beauty of that park.  I was inspired the second my feet hit that park.  What an amazing little piece of nature, and heaven among the hustle and bustle of this large and fast paced city.  I grabbed a map and set out to see all the sights that the gentlemen that stopped to ask me to ride on a horse drawn carriage, said I would not be able to see all in a day.  I did not want to ride around that park, I wanted to explore it with my own two feet.  I got there about 7 am and stayed there until about noon walking the whole time except to write and to check an item off my bucket list.  My bucket list is pretty simple, I want to see all fifty states before I die, I want to see a few stellar artists that i enjoy listening to, I now want to skydive for my 30th year and I wanted to have a hot dog in Central Park.  I had the best hot dog in the history of hot dogs in Central Park at the boat house, that over looked a beautiful lake with paddle boats the view was breathtaking.  This particular photo, I navigated my way to this garden.  I thought to myself, meh Shakespeare and a garden probably something I don’t necessarily need to see but boy was I wrong.  The steps that lead up to this beautifully secluded oasis, intrigued me right away.  I felt so at peace, I immediately found a place to sit and began writing away.  I think that I probably wouldn’t want to live in New York, just because I’m happy to call Texas my home, but if I am ever able to do what I love for a living, I could totally see myself coming up to New York and writing.  The power of my words alone in Central Park was something that I never have experienced.  I am so thankful to be able to see what I have seen.  I spent a good 7 years or so in a really awful relationship, I was miserable.  I wasn’t “allowed” to do things for myself, to see the world like I had dreamed so the second I broke free from that possession, the world was my oyster.  I’m living life, the way I feel is right, one step at a time.  I no longer have time for negative people who weigh me down.  I do enough of that to myself.  Life is too short to be miserable, especially when you have a huge support system that want to see you do well.  To anyone out there that’s in a relationship that is controlling or abusive, don’t be in it.  Stick up for yourself and be selfish for once and see that you do not need that person, or their negativity in your life.  When I broke free, a fog was lifted from my sight.  What a waste of my time to chase around a person who wasn’t a part of my life plan.  No one should ever treat you unkindly, you have no reason to put up with that from anyone.  The answer to the question, is no, they will not change no matter how much they try to convince you that they will.  That first time he raises a finger to you, abandon ship, and I mean post haste.  No one deserves to be the victim of abuse and please, even if we are strangers, if you need to talk to someone, know that I am always here for any and all of my tiny little audience and, if I haven’t told you guys lately, I very much appreciate you reading whatever words I might think to write.  Live life, love and cherish the people that you love, and don’t make time for the people that are unkind to you.  Life’s too short to waste it miserable.  I read in my devotional today that Jesus always wants to be with you, always wants to be a part of your life.  I am quick to push people away, especially Christ, but he wants to celebrate our joy when we are celebrating, and he wants to comfort us when we are hurting.  No matter how you feel, you are never alone if Christ is by your side.