But, at least we saved each other from ourselves,Before we destroyed each other.I still maintain, that we didn’t know better.We were just kids, trying to grasp on to love somehow, even when we couldn’t love ourselves.Even when we still can’t love ourselves.
The thing about being a writer, or an artist in general, is that you feel pain like all the time. You don’t just feel it, your bones ache with all the pain and thoughts in your head that just try to break you if you don’t capture it all on paper and let it out. I’m beginning to realize that the longer I sit on these words, the harder it is to express myself. If I let the words do what they need to do, they bleed out onto the paper, and my head is finally silent again.
So I’ll play the bad guy, but I refuse to play the victim anymore. A victim to thoughts that need life to breathe. They need a way out, onto a canvas of sorts so that I can let it go. Let you go. Whoever you are. I’ve been in a constant break up for decades. My heart longs for someone that doesn’t exist, never existed. My favorite songs are sung about love lost when truthfully have I even ever experienced love? Probably not, and if so just the selfish kind. We are living in a world obsessed with social media where literally the push of a button deletes someone out of your life…but does it really? You meet someone, you learn about them, you make your assumptions and if you aren’t in to it you just swipe left. Press block, unfriend, unfollow, and as impersonal as it actually it is, that person no longer exists to you and honestly, that is pretty sad.
Sometimes, keeping up with everything and everyone, just gets to be too much. I have to unplug or I can’t exist. Life is hard enough without making everything a competition of who has what, who is hurting more, who’s house is in worse shape because of the flooding. Silly things are competitions on these social platforms. Politics are the reason for losing friends and family. Everyone is so angry, and most people are not even sure why they are angry, why they are sad, why they are lacking. We live in a world of instant gratification, and if we aren’t given that gratification, we don’t want it. We don’t want to work hard for something anymore. We don’t want to work on relationships or friendships because its too hard. So we use people up until their existence no longer matters to us because they are no longer feeding into the lies, no longer giving us the attention we feel we deserve, no longer benefitting us. You aren’t doing anything for me anymore? Bye…and then theres no turning back.
We keep thinking that things will be different, but refuse to change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. So maybe it’s time to grow up. Be a little wiser, let the words, feelings, thoughts and such not destroy me. Sulking no longer looks good on anyone. Head held high, I watched the door close behind you, watched the headlights disappear down the road, and went on about my life. As if you never existed? Nah, just another thought begging to be let out of my head and captured on paper. Before you became another reason I don’t sleep at night.
I’m working on being a better version of myself for several reasons, the biggest being for myself. I’ve hit the gym so hard the last two weeks that my body aches, and it’s a happy ache, because I know results will soon follow. Eating a vegan diet 5 days a week or so, mixed feeling about that one. It’s a slow wean off of meat, but lately my head has been killing me. Not sure if that’s lack of vittles, or allergies but the headaches can disappear and I won’t miss them at all. Eggs however, I miss eggs. Went to one of my favorite breakfast places, and ordered breakfast without meat, and without eggs, and it was delish. I weighed in Tuesday at the gym since my scale was a victim of the damage from the flood. I’ll be interested to see what happens, if anything happens with my weight. I can for sure, feel my body tightening up. It’s like, “hey girl, chill I hurt”. I picked up a couple of sewing projects from Hobby Lobby. I have a couple of plans to get rid of a bunch of my tshirts without actually getting rid of them, so I figured a little practice project wouldn’t hurt, and if it turns out correctly, I hope to make the owner of my little project very happy. Sock monkey projects for the win! I feel like my post was a little deep so I had to end it with a happy sock monkey vibe.
I think sometimes you have to have a little breakdown to remind yourself that you aren’t in charge of this life. I had one of those today, I’m so sad about things that don’t really matter, for no reason other than to be in a funk I suppose. You sit there and tell yourself that no one cares enough to ask you whats wrong but you aren’t asking the right person. How do we make it on our own? I’ve literally not spoken to anyone besides family for a good month or two, or six…we don’t make it on our own…No one was made to be an island, and that’s easy to forget especially when we surround ourselves with “friends” that make us feel like islands. As if our problems are not important, because we are not important to them. Yeah, but we seem to forget the most important person, the one that never ghosts us, the one that never leaves our side, our savior is the only one who can save us from ourselves.
I haven’t posted in awhile, because I’ve been in my feels lately. I’m usually this easy going, carefree, messy hair type of gal, but even with all of that, I am constantly in my head. The weight of the world gets kind of heavy, and it’s really hard to put into words just what I’m going through. Basically, I’m a sad kind of girl, sad for no real reason I suppose. I seem to have everything going for me, but I’m constantly feeling a void, and I can’t fill that void no matter how hard I try.
I know what you are thinking, easy fix, JESUS. Well yes, and no, my spiritual well being has a lot to do with my mental well being, and my mental well being has a lot to do with my physical well being. When I get down in the dumps, everything shuts down on me. Literally, everything. First, and I hate to admit this, but when I’m in a funk, the first thing that stops is, my devotionals. I’ll be the first to tell you that journaling over the past three years or so, has saved my life in the sense that I’ve found purpose, I’ve found something to live for, that’s not to say my life was going to end, or that I have nothing to live for, it just changed my life for the better. If I know how happy this makes me, and how wonderful it is to have a special bond with our savior, who wants us to come to Him at our lowest, why does it stop, why do I stop?
When the journaling and time with Christ stops, I get really really guilty, and I feel so low that I think no one cares, then the isolation starts, and then the skipping of my workouts occur. Being a bigger girl, you can always tell when I’m upset, as my weight always fluctuates with my mental state. Now no, I’m not over here with all these things wrong with me, on my death bed, world is so cruel, can’t get better, just let me rot in pieces kind of mentality, but its more like please won’t you please turn the lights off in my room, lock the door and leave me alone to sleep as the world turns. Let me tell you, the easiest way I ever stopped devotionals, is my having a date on the top of each one. Do you know how hard it is to be a day behind, a week behind, a month behind, it can be very disheartening.
Back to Amber, lights out, blankets on top of her, world tuned out. What happened to my friends? I don’t even have the want or strength to text them back, or check on them, which really and truly it’s amazing I still have friends. My energy level is so bad, that I can’t even pick up my favorite book, or do much of anything but stare off into the distance for hours at a time. Lowest of low, and this isn’t like a once a year type of thing, this is happening more frequently where I can’t really just shut it off. So, where do we go from here?
My intentions with this post, is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, or worry about me, or anything to that nature, it’s meant to put a face to the fear I feel inside, the constant need to just shut the world out and hide. Because, quite frankly dealing with this world, and people in this wold, can be exhausting. I sometimes wish there was an off button, just so my brain would stop thinking for five minutes, just so that instead of isolating myself from everyone around me, I could just shut them out and take a little break.
That being said, this post poses a question, how do we make ourselves happy. When I’m not feeling all that great, I want to look back, and remember that these things make me happy.
Christ, He is my salvation, my biggest fan, even when I’m not a fan of myself. He is always here for me, even when I push Him to the side. Without Him, where would my life be? Who would I be living for?
2. Children that really love, and admire you for just being you. Brutally honest you, kids are the true MVPs. They let you know quite honestly what they think of you. I have a gig every Friday night with two of the cutest little boys you ever saw, and they brought me so much happiness in a time when I didn’t even know I needed it. They are the sunshiney rays of my week, every week and I kind of hope it stays like that forever, or as long as it can.
3.My happy place, that is currently under construction. My bedroom was so dreary and down, it was easy to get lost in isolation in there. Now, I’ve painted the walls yellow, and invite only good vibes in. I can’t wait to move back in, and finally take pride in my home.
4)The fact that my friends understand that sometimes I just need to be alone, but still check on me to see that I’m not hurting myself by being alone for too long.
5)Writing! Dearest Amber, do you know how long you hid from your written thoughts, and do you know how much you miss it, and how even if you never do anything with what you write, it is your gift, and you not embracing it, is wasting your God given talent.
6)Reading! A good book takes you out of your mind and into wherever the author wants you to be.
7)Shopping for books! Nothing better than randomly finding something you want to read eventually, even if you still have 100 books from your previous shopping trips to dive into.
This bloggers eyes are getting heavy, but I’ll leave with this little bit of knowledge that I gathered from this post. I will never come to terms with the short lifespan I have in this world if I waste the gift of time given to me by not using my talent to serve others. My grandpa left this world at 68, do you think he wasted his time moping around? No, he was too busy living his life, and providing for his family both financially and spiritually. Maybe I’m able to come to terms with what I’ve been dealing with since life became a little more precious to me after losing my Papal, or maybe I’m just ready to come to terms with what is holding me back as I grow older whatever the case may be, something has to change and I have to find out on my own, what makes ME happy.