But, at least we saved each other from ourselves,Before we destroyed each other.I still maintain, that we didn’t know better.We were just kids, trying to grasp on to love somehow, even when we couldn’t love ourselves.Even when we still can’t love ourselves.
I keep reading these books about other peoples lives and I desperately want to tell my story someday. But, who am I that I’d have an interesting story to tell? A story worth reading. Do people read anymore? I could tell you that I’m wise beyond my years, but really everything I could tell you about life, is from mistakes I’ve made living. Wisdom comes from experience. Have I had experience? I am one of those few people that have manners still. I hold doors for people, do the whole yes mamn no sir stuff, give my seat up to elders, all that jazz, its just how I was raised. I still make mistakes, i still feel like I’m being judged by others, yet I still judge others. I still make promises that I know I can’t keep, put others feelings before my own…it’s just something that I do. I still think my Mom and Dad hung the moon, they hung my moon. They provided for me before I even knew that I needed to be provided for. I still don’t know what love is, and at this stage in my life, I don’t think I ever will. Let me rephrase that, I know God’s love, and how remarkable that is, but as far as mortal love, I’m not sure its meant for me. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for. I missed two days of my writing challenge, I’m forever breaking goals, not keeping them. I still don’t know how to apologize, or how to explain the war going on in my head and how it consumes my body, my actions. Grief, cuts me like a knife, and I’m not sure how to fight back. I don’t have the answers to why I can’t cry, why I can’t do housework, why I can’t go places by myself, but I’m trying. I see people for who they are, yet I refuse to participate in their label if it doesn’t suit me. I miss my friends, yet I ignore them completely. I hate being alone yet I live for the solitude of my room. I keep waiting for you to walk through that door, but I have no idea who you are , and what door you’ll walk through, or if my life is even at a place for anyone to even attempt walking into. No I don’t feel sorry for myself. Yes I do. No I don’t think that my life was ruined by one person in particular. Yes I do. No I don’t resent them but yes I do. I’m comfortable in life, but I want to be scared. I’m too scared to be anything but comfortable at this particular moment of my life. If I write about my life, will anyone care? Have I ever lived life? Am I just wasting it? My dad went blind when he was 30, will I go blind in my thirties? How would I live without my eyes? How does my dad live without his eyes? Do my parents know I love them? Do I take them for granted? Do I ever let them know that despite me taking them for granted, I love them so very much? How will I ever come to terms with what little time I have on Earth with my loved ones? I know I have eternity with them in Heaven, but how will I be able to wait without hurting? Is it possible to die of a broken heart? Will my Mamaw be okay? What is this pain that I feel I’ve felt when I haven’t even begun to feel the pain that comes from losing someone so dear. What does that feel like? Will I ever love someone like that? I’ve been through a breakup, but never having that person that I loved with all my heart, there to grow old with when we promised forever? Why is forever not long enough? How does it feel to lose something like that? Is Mamaw okay? Will she ever be okay? Can I take some of her pain away somehow? I’d gladly take all that pain away if I knew the right things to say or do. What if I never met you? What if you never cared? Did you ever care? Have you ever been so selfish that nothing mattered but you? Am I selfish? Will I ever grow up? What does growing up consist of? What if you never left? Have I ever left? Will I ever leave? What constitutes as leaving? Do you know I changed my number? Did you ever try to call? Do you ever think of me? Do you ever miss me? Even a little bit? Even at all? Do you ever think about how one little thing could have changed the whole outcome of your life? What if I moved to Austin? Would that have been right for me? Does anybody know what they really want? Will they find it? What do I really want? Will I find it? I’ve been better, but what’s better? Will I ever be Okay? Is anyone Okay? If love is all you need, why are most people so miserable? Does real love even exist anymore? Does every one cheat on everyone now? Is that what love on Earth has come down to? If you were stranded on the side of the freeway at 1 am, who would you call? Would they come? Or would you have to call a tow truck because they couldn’t be bothered? I wonder if Granny W and Granny Z are okay. What’s heaven like? Is it really all its cracked up to be? I hope so. Is Papal okay? Was he sad leaving Mamaw? Does love like that exist anymore? What if it doesn’t? Does anyone read this? Is anyone there? Does anyone care? If I quit my job tomorrow, what would I do? Would I be okay? Should I quit my job? Why am I not doing my job? Does it even matter? What actually matters? Does any of this? Will I actually type all of this? Why do I keep comparing my life to others? My life is my own, the things that I do are of my own will. If I have a problem, I should change it and not look at what others have accomplished as some sort of threat. Everything will work out at some point. Is it not working out right now? No really is it? Or is it not? Sometimes I really feel the need to desperately reach out to old friends. Sometimes I see that we probably can’t be friends anymore. People change, and as much as that sucks, sometimes you lose people from your past. You can try and fight it and just feel really shitty when you reach out to people who don’t care. Realize that they don’t care anymore, and that that isn’t a bad thing necessarily, and it isn’t your fault or their fault, it’s just that life goes on and people change. While you’re out there living life, so are they. It’s not necessarily the same anymore, your interests can change as well as theirs. Just because you aren’t into the same things that they are, that doesn’t make you any less, or your time or companionship any less, it’s just different. You might soon cross paths with someone else who has the same interests and if not, okay, that’s fine too. Everything will work out in the end, or will it? What if it doesn’t? What if I feel like this forever? How do I feel? What causes it? What am I supposed to feel like? How do you know? A sea of words, a sea of thoughts that come to fast to capture, to write down before they exit. They become forgotten thoughts, forgotten words. Were they important? Will I ever think those same thoughts again? Will I have new thoughts that are better, or just easier to remember? What if my last adventure, was my last adventure? What was my last adventure?
These are the words and thoughts I captured on a piece of paper at work yesterday. I feel asleep typing them last night, no really. I fell asleep at the keyboard with my light on and woke up at 6 am this morning. I’ll upload a photo of how I wrote this, it was on a piece of paper diagonally written and it was just a free flow of the thoughts in my head. I really like what came out of this.
Once again, yours truly has been challenged! Well we all know this girl has balls (its an inside joke, ask me about it some day) so I accepted! For the month of November I will be expected to write 1000 words daily. To keep up with this, I will be writing here. I will also open the floor to any suggestions, topics to write about, prompts etc if you should so choose to throw your blogger here a bone. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be lately. That’s always the topic at large in my head. I am in desperate need of a new home church. It keeps revealing itself in my devotionals and in the back of my mind, I just keep coming back to the same thing. I need a home church! Its one thing to read my Bible every day, but quite another to discuss what I am learning and being able to receive feedback of what others are getting from what they are reading. I’m craving this so much lately. I am setting a short term goal for myself. By the end of this year, I will at least be regularly visiting churches, or have found my new home church. This needs to happen for me to continue on my journey and I have to stop avoiding it. As a sidebar, my other short term goal is to go to the doctor before the end of my health insurance year which is like March. I have avoided the doctor even longer than I have avoided going to church. I am almost positive if not completely positive that I stopped going to church when my great grandma passed away, 4 years ago. Shame on Amber! That feels awful to actually admit. I’m reading a book at the moment I believe its called Shine I think its written by the Newsboys and it talks about how you can tell who the true practicing, give my life to God, christians are based on where they are in life. Not necessarily status, but whether they are living for Christ, or just living for this world. My life has been pretty much the same for a few years and I feel like that is because I’m not actually giving Christ my all. I am sitting here thinking to myself, well you don’t drink, you don’t do drugs, you read your Bible thats enough to get you to Heaven…but is it? If I’m not blogging, and I’m not writing, then I’m wasting the talent that God gave me. If I’m wasting my talent, then I am not using it for his good. If I’m not doing things for Him then why even bother? I should be furthering His kingdom rather than my own. We get tied up in our Earthly possessions that we don’t see that they are just that, Earthly possessions. As much as I’d love to add a tow hitch to my casket, and fill a trailer of all my possessions to take with me to Heaven, at this present time that is just not able to happen. I feel like I’m jumping all around in this post but bare with me. I look around at all this clutter I’ve collected in my 29 years and I think to myself, why? Does it make me happy? Momentarily maybe but not always and just for a little bit. That is something I am always trying to find an answer to, how do I make myself happy? There have been plenty of times where I’ve said to myself, if only I had this gadget, I’d be content or if I had this one, or this one but then after I get said gadget, that feeling of not being complete comes back. I’ve found that I, myself, am only truly happy when I am putting Christ first. That’s not to say that by putting Him first, all my problems are erased, because that’s simply not true. However, by putting Him first, I see that when I am down and out He is there with me. He never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself. I need His help to keep me going on this path that I want to be going down. I need to know someone believes in me when I do not. I know a lot of people believe in me, but sometimes that doesn’t mean anything when you aren’t feeling it yourself. Moral of the story, by the end of the year I will find me a new church home! I am determined to make this happen! This here is a practice post to determine how hard its going to be to write 1000 words and let me tell you, its not going to be easy! The thing about my life is that it’s not mine. When have I had all of the bad vibes coming at me, that is when I think that this life is mine. When I give my life to Christ, i see that even when bad vibes are coming my way, it’s all good because I have Christ on my side and we are like the power team ready to just kick those bad vibes outta the ball park. But why then? For the story. I want to live my life for the story that we are going to create, for the story that I might create. I’ve wanted to write since I was a kid when I was like 6 everyone would ask me what I wanted to be and my answer was always a writer. How can I be a writer if I don’t work on this skill and perfect it. If I even have this skill that I think I have. Maybe I’m not cut out to do what I’ve dreamed about my entire life but if I’m not willing to fall flat on my face trying, then what is the point? Til we meet again readers.
Fresh mindset. Starting over fresh and with a positive mind. Blah, blah blah…but it feels good! Two days back with the devotionals and I just came back from the gym woot. I have a short term/long term goal depending on your definition of time, I am going to jump out of a plane for my 30th birthday! This gives me something to look forward to I am hoping to slim down a bit before then as well. The thought has occurred to me that maybe it all works itself out. I’m thinking really hard about what my next step is. I can’t say that I know the answer to that question but lets just say that it is finally making its presence known in my head. Hey Amber, what’s next? You, know if money wasn’t an issue and you were to ask me what my dream job would be, first and foremost I’ve always wanted to be a writer, that’s a given. But if I could have any job on Earth, I’d be some semi popular bands merch girl. I would love to travel the world with a band, sell their gear and even promote/book them. This is something I’ve wanted to do for years since my buddies had their own bands. So, if there happens to be a member of a band that would want to feed me, house me, and road trip me all around, inquire here! Will help drive, and I have a clean and clear driving record. I have super strength and if you show me how to break down your equipment I’ll help do that too! What better way to see the world then to travel with a band? I also have great music taste!