And I wake up alone

And sometimes I can’t sleep…

And sometimes I remember holding someone so tight afraid to let go Just in case they might shatter into a million pieces,

And then I remember waking up alone.

The only difference now, is that my arm where the weight of all your burdens I carried for you would rest, doesn’t hurt anymore.

I wake up alone, and it’s not sad anymore, like it used to be.

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The art of writing everyday

A short poem inside of a short poem. Dig kind of deep for this masterpiece ūüėāūüėÉWe all have a reason to say goodbye, I was yours,We all have a reason to wonder why, you were mine,

I swear I didn’t mean for it to feel like this like every inch of me is bruised

I think sometimes you have to have a little breakdown to remind yourself that you aren’t in charge of this life. ¬†I had one of those today, I’m so sad about things that don’t really matter, for no reason other than to be in a funk I suppose. ¬†You sit there and tell yourself that no one cares enough to ask you whats wrong but you aren’t asking the right person. ¬†How do we make it on our own? ¬†I’ve literally not spoken to anyone besides family for a good month or two, or six…we don’t make it on our own…No one was made to be an island, and that’s easy to forget especially when we surround ourselves with “friends” that make us feel like islands. ¬†As if our problems are not important, because we are not important to them. ¬†Yeah, but we seem to forget the most important person, the one that never ghosts us, the one that never leaves our side, our savior is the only one who can save us from ourselves.

Me, Myself and I

It’s funny how you can tell when you’re done with something. ¬†Like when you go to a restaurant¬†and the food is terrible and you just know you won’t ever be back. ¬†We keep evolving and growing as we get older, and I’m really done with being sorry for no reason. ¬†I’m working on me, and I know I’m the only one that can get me spiritually, emotionally and physically balanced, and really that’s all that matters to me for the time being. ¬†What people do matters a lot more than what people say…but, it’s the things they say that get them in trouble.

RAMBLE AHEAD

I keep thinking I have all the time in the world to be “okay” ¬†I think it’s hard for a lot of people to be “okay” ¬†I fight with myself to have good thoughts sometimes, I fight with myself a lot lately about getting to the gym…what’s up with that? ¬†One of my best friends is in the hospital, one of my customers just found out she’s pregnant, and what is even going on in the world right now? ¬†Sometimes we need help from the outside world, sometimes we can’t do everything by ourselves, “Amber, sometimes you need to speak to people, and get help from people outside of your own comfort zone” I could stay in my house for days, and not feel the need to talk to anyone, it’s kind of really easy for me to fall into that. ¬†I really enjoy alone time. ¬†No, like I really enjoy it. ¬†This social media world that I find myself in, gets really overwhelming to me, very fast. ¬†Sometimes I just feel the need to log off. ¬†I deleted my snapchat, who knew that took so much of my time away from me. ¬†Am I using that new time wisely? Probably not. ¬†Instead of sulking, I’ll be trying something new, hopefully tomorrow. ¬†Stay patient readers, I have this rebirth coming, it’s coming…patience is a virtue. ¬†Sorry for the rambling post here.

We’re all just trying to find a place here…

I’ve been trying this blog thing for awhile, and my goodness the amount of visitors I had yesterday with my pretty personal blog was amazing. ¬†Viewers from 12 different countries! ¬†What a world we live in today, that makes it possible to reach an infinite amount of people with some words and an enter button.

A few strokes and then enter, and your words are forever out there for anyone to read. ¬†This is both a good thing and a bad thing, but that’s up to the person writing to determine. ¬†How do I want my words to affect those reading them? ¬†Do I want them to hurt, of course not. ¬†I personally just want to share a piece of my life with my audience, a piece of all the noise going on in my head. ¬†I’m a dreamer, and I have an imagination the size of a blackhole. ¬†However, what I am not writing is lost forever in my head, and who is benefiting from that? ¬†I am certainly not.

I’ll be 30 in a few days, which is really hard to wrap my head around, and I’m wondering to myself, am I living up to my potential? ¬†See, I’ve had this dream to write since I can remember, and I haven’t actively pursued it in years. ¬†My little sister told me that I should blog daily, and kind of hinted that she’s reading it. ¬†That means the world to me truly. ¬†Her opinion of me as well as my parents opinion means a lot to me. ¬†If I’m ¬†not actively pursuing my dreams, how can I expect to be a positive example to my sister? ¬†I’ve always told her to follow hers, but if I’m not actively following mine that kind of makes me a hypocrite.

Her and I come from hardworking parents and grandparents. ¬†My parents worked their tails off to give us everything we needed as kids, and adults and we both started working as soon as we could, to not only help, but also to furthur our educations, our dreams. ¬†The dreams I’ve put on hold for years. ¬†I don’t want that for my sister. ¬†I want her to go after everything she could ever dream of wanting to do. ¬†I want her to enjoy her 20s, not dread them. ¬†Learn, experience, travel, be a kid for as long as you can until you blink and all of a sudden you’re thirty, and life is pretty great. ¬†Because, life is pretty great if you think about it. ¬†We each have the opportunity to do whatever we want, its all a matter of how bad do you really want it?

Today is a good day to have a good day!

A new day, A new journey, A new perspective

I’ve been having some bad self image days lately.  Usually I’m pretty carefree wild hair wild soul kind of perspective but when you slimmed down a few years ago just to gain everything lost back, it can kind of be disheartening.  But, that’s okay.  It’s a journey that I have decided to embark upon.  There will be days where everything is great, I go workout, I watch what I eat, I hit the right words and thoughts while journaling, and then there will be days where I don’t want to do those things, where I don’t even want to put pen to paper to capture my thoughts.  I went years without writing, years without leisure reading, just because I lost interest in my hobbies.  What a waste of time, but I am learning to be okay with time lost.

I think it takes some sort of stillness to really see what needs to be brought to the table, what needs to change for the life you want to live.  Your spirituality plays a huge factor into this equation.  If you aren’t living for a purpose, what are you living for?  Who are you living for?  Are you living for this material world, or the next?  That question kind of plays to those bad self image days.  See, I’ve been lost in this world of, this new gadget will solve all my problems if I just spend x amount of money.  Then you purchase said gadget and low and behold life is still the same before you had this “very important, life improving gadget”  I spent 100s/1000s of dollars putting holes in my ears, thinking that was improving my outward look for some reason, but why?  Those holes hurt, looked gross and sometimes smelled quite frankly.

I’m not sure where I am going with this, but to make a long rambling come to an end, today is a new day and I am choosing happiness.  I am choosing to be on a spiritual journey as well as a fitness journey and I know that they are never ending.  No shortcuts, just a tad bit of elbow grease and a lot of hard work on my end, and everything will work out according to His will.