But, at least we saved each other from ourselves,Before we destroyed each other.I still maintain, that we didn’t know better.We were just kids, trying to grasp on to love somehow, even when we couldn’t love ourselves.Even when we still can’t love ourselves.
We’re all just a little too sad for no real reason. It’s easy to forget that we have so much going for us, today I’m choosing to remember that. God is great, the opportunities He gives us are great, and the doors He helps us close are even better, even when we don’t want to close those doors. Having a good week on Ebay, today I plan on listing, listing, listing! I’ve got a huge death pile of potential money making items just sitting in the solarium. I need some coffee, or some kind of motivation to get through it. I like when the community talks about listing everything because we are in the business of making money, not the storage business, and it makes sense. Right now, I have two totes listed, and one to go through and list still. The potential is there, I just need to kick the laziness to the curb. I’ll call this my first break of the day, time to get back to it. Business is booming, as long as I put in the work.
What is it like to be hit with that creative bug, and actually know what to do with it before it leaves you? So many ideas run through my head, and so fast that I tend to not get them down before they are mere memories of an idea lost. I haven’t really spent much time honing these talents I believe myself to have. If I’m not working on these talents, working on sharpening my writing skills, I am merely wasting them. I don’t really feel like wasting them anymore, I want to embrace them, every single little idea that runs through me, I want to capture it before it leaves. I’m going to start bringing a notebook with me everywhere I go to capture them all. I do carry paper with me everywhere, but I haven’t written ideas down in a long while. Here goes nothing…
I’ve been thinking a lot about how life puts you in these little predicaments, these “forks in the road” if you will and its up to you to decide how you take that fork. You could swing a right and life could be damn near perfect, swing a left and a giant man eating tiger could attack you. Okay, maybe not but you see where I’m going with that. I don;t know what to do at the moment. I’m in a spot where I’m worried about my Mamaw, worried about the construction site that is my house, wanting to go back to school, but what for? Wanting to leave my job, but my boss is short staffed and I recently bought a new car plus, full time job equals insurance. On one hand, there are plenty of little kids around me that I could leave my job and watch for income, but do I really want to do that? What do I do? I need to declutter, Declutter my mind, my body, my house and just really think about my next step. I’d love to move in with Mamaw, but then I’d basically be giving up my house and I don’t think that’s the right step, but part of me wants a fresh start. But is that really a fresh start? My mind is just riddled with so many questions. As the Holiday season approaches, something is missing, someone is missing. I don’t know how we will handle the Holidays.
The end of the path is coming,
but all I can do is keep humming.
I keep fumbling with where to go,
the answer is not one that I know.
Do I hang a left, bust a right?
What lies ahead is not in plain sight.
The still of the night comes setting in,
I can’t even tell how long its been,
Will I take a leap and see one direction to the end?
Or will I cower back to the beginning and start over again?
I keep trying to figure out what to do. I’m the only one that can make that call, but I’m not sure there is a “right” call to make. What about my parents? I haven’t been paying much attention to them because I’m so worried about Mamaw. I get lost in my head a lot lately, I need to channel my feelings into something productive. I’m thinking about maybe learning something new. I have to have some sort of hidden talent. Papal left behind a lot of tools, and wood. Could I learn how to work with wood? When my sister moves into the house, we had planned to make a coffee/wine nook. I wanted to have a type of box/cubby holes shelf on the wall to display all my mugs, would I possibly be able to do something like that? The only real person holding me back is myself. I’m sure I can read up on how to not cut my finger/hand off with a wood working saw. Do you ever think about people, everyone has their own thing that they are rushing to do. While I’m in bed sleeping my life away, someone else is working. I don’t clean my house often, someone somewhere out there wishes they were blessed enough to even have a house to clean. Is there more to life then just work, and obtaining a house? Of course there is, I watch these shows on HGTV when I’m at Mamaws and I see these budgets of 350,000 for a house that isn’t quite up to the buyers standards, so they spend another x amount of money gutting it. How much money is in every house, all houses outlive their owners, well most, and get sold over and over again. People buy it for this much, sell it for that much, put this much amount money into one aspect of the house, put that amount of money fixing that aspect of the house the way the next owner wants it and on and on. It’s a vicious cycle that drives me insane to watch, or to even think about. We are not of this world, it’s not like we get to keep the house anyway. The thought of the turnover fascinates me a bit. I had started writing three books, should I pick these up again and see where I left off? So what if they aren’t good, I could at least say I finished something for the first time in my life. My mind is filled with unfinished thoughts. I feel as though every day that goes by without me channeling these thoughts, is another day wasted. Why am I not able to harness these thoughts? No, not why am I not able, why am I not doing it? Why am I not putting in the work to see what I might be about? I went to the gym today, and a thought struck me, this is all my doing. Succeeding or failing is entirely up to me and no, not just in my fitness journey, in my journey through life as well. When I look back in a few years, will I be proud of the choices I made? Looking back now as to where I was 10 years ago, I can honestly say no I am not proud of the choices that I made but, I’ve learned from those choices. I had to fall to get to where I am in my life, and I had to fall again on my fitness journey to see that I wasn’t giving it my all. I’m still not giving it my all but I’m working to build myself back up to that level I once was at so that when I get there, I can annihilate that level and make a new one, one that I never imagined I’d be able to reach. Life is what you make it. I keep thinking about peoples negativity, my negativity and why? All it does is keep you down. Stay focused on the prize and stay positive, the rest will fall in place when you are ready.
But, what if this is really what it’s all about? What if there are no real answers and no real questions? What if we really are just supposed to trust in Jesus? Of course we are, but what if we trusted in Him, and didn’t worry about trivial things. He makes sure birds eat, are we not just as important as birds? When your world crumbles, who do you seek first? Most of us know, that it should be Him. In fact, it just gets worse when we try to hide, or think that we can manage on our own. Sometimes we have to throw our hands up and be okay with asking for help. Sometimes we all need help, and that’s okay. Hard to admit, but okay to need a little help, or even a lot of help. Isolation is not good for us, even in the garden, God created a companion for Adam. He knew all that time ago, that mankind was not meant to be alone. But, we are never alone, even when we feel like it , as long as we open our heart to Him, he is always there, especially during the worst times. What if we never understand how great His love is, it’s like nothing else in this world. Without it, we would be hopeless. Things of this world, are just that, things of THIS world. I want to live my life not consumed by things of this world, because in the next world, where I plan to spend eternity, those things won’t matter at all. They will be left behind in this world. Our entire lives will be left behind for someone else to keep, to discard, to sort. We can’t take them with us, which if you think about it, kind of makes you want to stop collecting all this clutter that will be left behind. I own one Bible, really two but I use only one, for the most part daily, that I’ve had since I was 8 or so. At the same time, I have too many pairs of shoes to count. I feel like this should be some sort of metaphor about life. Why do I have so many pairs of shoes? Yes, I do have sentimental attachment to that particular Bible, but it feeds my soul daily, why not have several? One day, my words may be the only part of me that remains a part of this world. Did I use them wisely? Did I use them to harm or to help others? Did I use them at all, or did I just keep them to myself, bottled up so as not to be scared of what reaction might come from the words that I wrote. Comfortable is not safe, being scared is safe. Take the world by its ears, and don’t let go until it gives you exactly what you want, and if you don’t get it, that’s alright. At least you tried. No one has ever regretted trying, but lots of people have regretted not even having the guts to make a move, to take a risk, to take a chance. Life is what you make it. The darkness doesn’t last forever, you got to fight it, don’t let it consume you because given the chance it will. No one knows what you are feeling inside, but you. Your friends are your friends for a reason. Tell them what’s going on, let them help you. I guarantee you they care. I guarantee you someone cares, even when your head tells you otherwise. Don’t listen to your head, unless its telling you good things. I promise you we all feel what you’re feeling. You aren’t weird because you’re hurting. Everyone hurts sometimes. The hurt, is a part of life and I promise it gets better. I was in an abusive relationship for several years. Not only physically, but emotionally abusive as well. What can I say from that experience? It gets better! Don’t ever listen to negativity from anyone. You are not worthless, you are everything to someone, you are no ones punching bag, not even your own. Love doesn’t hurt, and if you think it does, the hurt will never stop. You deserve love, everyone does, even you Amber. Don’t let yourself think otherwise. A couple bad experiences shouldn’t shut you down forever to the idea of love. The idea of love is a concept that you will spend years trying to define as well as trying to tell yourself that you don’t need it. But, secretly wishing that you had it. Everyone loves differently, and that’s okay. Your not great with words when it comes to emotions. Your friends hurt and you don’t know what to do, so you hurt right along side them when all you actually want to do is give them a giant hug and assure them that everything will be okay. It will be okay. Even the darkest night makes way for a morning full of light and new opportunities to change the previous days events. You can’t save them all Amber. Sometimes people have to learn how to live on their own. What do you say when you are speechless? Sometimes it doesn’t even matter anyway. The wrong things keep happening to the wrong people, because they keep letting it happen. Meaning, a negative mind and heart, lead to a negative life. There is no easy way to be positive when all you think about are bad thoughts. What can I say? We all live different lives. Some people are stronger than others, some people don’t know what to say and some people take the easy way out. I don’t want to take the easy way out and I don’t want you to take the easy way out. If your alone in this life, I get being scared, but you are not alone…so don’t be scared. New adventures are around the corner, but you have to make it there first. How are you to live an exciting new life in a new place if you can’t even live to see it?
Once again this post is something I did at work. I kind of just turned the paper in squares, starting from the middle and just wrote whatever came to mind. I’ve got a bunch on my mind as usual and I’m not sure how to say everything that I need to say or how to fix everything that I need to fix. Tomorrow is another day though, and I’ll try again. I’ll try every day to be a little bit better, and I hope you will too.
I keep reading these books about other peoples lives and I desperately want to tell my story someday. But, who am I that I’d have an interesting story to tell? A story worth reading. Do people read anymore? I could tell you that I’m wise beyond my years, but really everything I could tell you about life, is from mistakes I’ve made living. Wisdom comes from experience. Have I had experience? I am one of those few people that have manners still. I hold doors for people, do the whole yes mamn no sir stuff, give my seat up to elders, all that jazz, its just how I was raised. I still make mistakes, i still feel like I’m being judged by others, yet I still judge others. I still make promises that I know I can’t keep, put others feelings before my own…it’s just something that I do. I still think my Mom and Dad hung the moon, they hung my moon. They provided for me before I even knew that I needed to be provided for. I still don’t know what love is, and at this stage in my life, I don’t think I ever will. Let me rephrase that, I know God’s love, and how remarkable that is, but as far as mortal love, I’m not sure its meant for me. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for. I missed two days of my writing challenge, I’m forever breaking goals, not keeping them. I still don’t know how to apologize, or how to explain the war going on in my head and how it consumes my body, my actions. Grief, cuts me like a knife, and I’m not sure how to fight back. I don’t have the answers to why I can’t cry, why I can’t do housework, why I can’t go places by myself, but I’m trying. I see people for who they are, yet I refuse to participate in their label if it doesn’t suit me. I miss my friends, yet I ignore them completely. I hate being alone yet I live for the solitude of my room. I keep waiting for you to walk through that door, but I have no idea who you are , and what door you’ll walk through, or if my life is even at a place for anyone to even attempt walking into. No I don’t feel sorry for myself. Yes I do. No I don’t think that my life was ruined by one person in particular. Yes I do. No I don’t resent them but yes I do. I’m comfortable in life, but I want to be scared. I’m too scared to be anything but comfortable at this particular moment of my life. If I write about my life, will anyone care? Have I ever lived life? Am I just wasting it? My dad went blind when he was 30, will I go blind in my thirties? How would I live without my eyes? How does my dad live without his eyes? Do my parents know I love them? Do I take them for granted? Do I ever let them know that despite me taking them for granted, I love them so very much? How will I ever come to terms with what little time I have on Earth with my loved ones? I know I have eternity with them in Heaven, but how will I be able to wait without hurting? Is it possible to die of a broken heart? Will my Mamaw be okay? What is this pain that I feel I’ve felt when I haven’t even begun to feel the pain that comes from losing someone so dear. What does that feel like? Will I ever love someone like that? I’ve been through a breakup, but never having that person that I loved with all my heart, there to grow old with when we promised forever? Why is forever not long enough? How does it feel to lose something like that? Is Mamaw okay? Will she ever be okay? Can I take some of her pain away somehow? I’d gladly take all that pain away if I knew the right things to say or do. What if I never met you? What if you never cared? Did you ever care? Have you ever been so selfish that nothing mattered but you? Am I selfish? Will I ever grow up? What does growing up consist of? What if you never left? Have I ever left? Will I ever leave? What constitutes as leaving? Do you know I changed my number? Did you ever try to call? Do you ever think of me? Do you ever miss me? Even a little bit? Even at all? Do you ever think about how one little thing could have changed the whole outcome of your life? What if I moved to Austin? Would that have been right for me? Does anybody know what they really want? Will they find it? What do I really want? Will I find it? I’ve been better, but what’s better? Will I ever be Okay? Is anyone Okay? If love is all you need, why are most people so miserable? Does real love even exist anymore? Does every one cheat on everyone now? Is that what love on Earth has come down to? If you were stranded on the side of the freeway at 1 am, who would you call? Would they come? Or would you have to call a tow truck because they couldn’t be bothered? I wonder if Granny W and Granny Z are okay. What’s heaven like? Is it really all its cracked up to be? I hope so. Is Papal okay? Was he sad leaving Mamaw? Does love like that exist anymore? What if it doesn’t? Does anyone read this? Is anyone there? Does anyone care? If I quit my job tomorrow, what would I do? Would I be okay? Should I quit my job? Why am I not doing my job? Does it even matter? What actually matters? Does any of this? Will I actually type all of this? Why do I keep comparing my life to others? My life is my own, the things that I do are of my own will. If I have a problem, I should change it and not look at what others have accomplished as some sort of threat. Everything will work out at some point. Is it not working out right now? No really is it? Or is it not? Sometimes I really feel the need to desperately reach out to old friends. Sometimes I see that we probably can’t be friends anymore. People change, and as much as that sucks, sometimes you lose people from your past. You can try and fight it and just feel really shitty when you reach out to people who don’t care. Realize that they don’t care anymore, and that that isn’t a bad thing necessarily, and it isn’t your fault or their fault, it’s just that life goes on and people change. While you’re out there living life, so are they. It’s not necessarily the same anymore, your interests can change as well as theirs. Just because you aren’t into the same things that they are, that doesn’t make you any less, or your time or companionship any less, it’s just different. You might soon cross paths with someone else who has the same interests and if not, okay, that’s fine too. Everything will work out in the end, or will it? What if it doesn’t? What if I feel like this forever? How do I feel? What causes it? What am I supposed to feel like? How do you know? A sea of words, a sea of thoughts that come to fast to capture, to write down before they exit. They become forgotten thoughts, forgotten words. Were they important? Will I ever think those same thoughts again? Will I have new thoughts that are better, or just easier to remember? What if my last adventure, was my last adventure? What was my last adventure?
These are the words and thoughts I captured on a piece of paper at work yesterday. I feel asleep typing them last night, no really. I fell asleep at the keyboard with my light on and woke up at 6 am this morning. I’ll upload a photo of how I wrote this, it was on a piece of paper diagonally written and it was just a free flow of the thoughts in my head. I really like what came out of this.