I dreamt we spoke again

And sometimes I miss you so much that I can’t sleep for months at a time.

And then there are days when I’m just fine.

I’m really hoping those days come back at some point.

Instead of waking me up when September ends,

Let me know when I can sleep again.


And I wake up alone

And sometimes I can’t sleep…

And sometimes I remember holding someone so tight afraid to let go Just in case they might shatter into a million pieces,

And then I remember waking up alone.

The only difference now, is that my arm where the weight of all your burdens I carried for you would rest, doesn’t hurt anymore.

I wake up alone, and it’s not sad anymore, like it used to be.

Take me back to the night we met

Just trying to make sense of it all,

And find peace with it.

Indifference is bliss,

But my mind wanders sometimes…

And wonders…

But it’s all good,

Because seeing is believing

And I’m not seeing it anymore

Or you.

Life is all about that balance,

And I’ll keep getting there slowly.

We found each other in the dark

But, at least we saved each other from ourselves,Before we destroyed each other.I still maintain, that we didn’t know better.We were just kids, trying to grasp on to love somehow, even when we couldn’t love ourselves.Even when we still can’t love ourselves.

It’s a tug of war between what’s comfortable and what she really wants

Here I sit before you all in blog land, a changed woman.  And why is that you may ask?  Because, I have a desk type situation set up in my room and its pretty perfect, I’m not going to lie.  I’ve sat here putting pen to paper on all these thoughts that just roam around freely in my mind, and it feels great.  Who woulda thought that a simple desk, a simple office set up could get the creativity rolling.  This year has been odd, magical, it’s caused me to a grow as a person, and that wouldn’t be possible without the bad as well.  We’re always trying to play the bad things over and over again, but why?  Doing that just makes us stay stuck in the same situation as before.  Its okay to let go, if the end result is your wellbeing.  That’s the thing they don’t tell us, it’s okay to let go.

But my bones said, write the poem

The thing about being a writer, or an artist in general, is that you feel pain like all the time.  You don’t just feel it, your bones ache with all the pain and thoughts in your head that just try to break you if you don’t capture it all on paper and let it out.  I’m beginning to realize that the longer I sit on these words, the harder it is to express myself.  If I let the words  do what they need to do, they bleed out onto the paper, and my head is finally silent again.

So I’ll play the bad guy, but I refuse to play the victim anymore.  A victim to thoughts that need life to breathe.  They need a way out, onto a canvas of sorts so that I can let it go.  Let you go.  Whoever you are.  I’ve been in a constant break up for decades.  My heart longs for someone that doesn’t exist, never existed.  My favorite songs are sung about love lost when truthfully have I even ever experienced love?  Probably not, and if so just the selfish kind.  We are living in a world obsessed with social media where literally the push of a button deletes someone out of your life…but does it really?  You meet someone, you learn about them, you make your assumptions and if you aren’t in to it you just swipe left.  Press block, unfriend, unfollow, and as impersonal as it actually it is, that person no longer exists to you and honestly, that is pretty sad.

Sometimes, keeping up with everything and everyone, just gets to be too much.  I have to unplug or I can’t exist.  Life is hard enough without making everything a competition of who has what, who is hurting more, who’s house is in worse shape because of the flooding.  Silly things are competitions on these social platforms.  Politics are the reason for losing friends and family.  Everyone is so angry, and most people are not even sure why they are angry, why they are sad, why they are lacking.  We live in a world of instant gratification, and if we aren’t given that gratification, we don’t want it.  We don’t want to work hard for something anymore.  We don’t want to work on relationships or friendships because its too hard.  So we use people up until their existence no longer matters to us because they are no longer feeding into the lies, no longer giving us the attention we feel we deserve, no longer benefitting us.  You aren’t doing anything for me anymore? Bye…and then theres no turning back.

We keep thinking that things will be different, but refuse to change.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  So maybe it’s time to grow up.  Be a little wiser, let the words, feelings, thoughts and such not destroy me.  Sulking no longer looks good on anyone.  Head held high, I watched the door close behind you, watched the headlights disappear down the road, and went on about my life.  As if you never existed?  Nah, just another thought begging to be let out of my head and captured on paper.  Before you became another reason I don’t sleep at night.

I’m working on being a better version of myself for several reasons, the biggest being for myself.  I’ve hit the gym so hard the last two weeks that my body aches, and it’s a happy ache, because I know results will soon follow.  Eating a vegan diet 5 days a week or so, mixed feeling about that one.  It’s a slow wean off of meat, but lately my head has been killing me.  Not sure if that’s lack of vittles, or allergies but the headaches can disappear and I won’t miss them at all.  Eggs however, I miss eggs.  Went to one of my favorite breakfast places, and ordered breakfast without meat, and without eggs, and it was delish.  I weighed in Tuesday at the gym since my scale was a victim of the damage from the flood.  I’ll be interested to see what happens, if anything happens with my weight.  I can for sure, feel my body tightening up.  It’s like, “hey girl, chill I hurt”.  I picked up a couple of sewing projects from Hobby Lobby.  I have a couple of plans to get rid of a bunch of my tshirts without actually getting rid of them, so I figured a little practice project wouldn’t hurt, and if it turns out correctly, I hope to make the owner of my little project very happy.  Sock monkey projects for the win!  I feel like my post was a little deep so I had to end it with a happy sock monkey vibe.