Take me back to the night we met

Just trying to make sense of it all,

And find peace with it.

Indifference is bliss,

But my mind wanders sometimes…

And wonders…

But it’s all good,

Because seeing is believing

And I’m not seeing it anymore

Or you.

Life is all about that balance,

And I’ll keep getting there slowly.

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We found each other in the dark

But, at least we saved each other from ourselves,Before we destroyed each other.I still maintain, that we didn’t know better.We were just kids, trying to grasp on to love somehow, even when we couldn’t love ourselves.Even when we still can’t love ourselves.

Easter Sunday, Social Media, and everything inbetween

First and foremost, Easter Sunday was an incredible day as it often is, had a beautiful service at my Mamaw’s church and was happy to see she has people that care about her as well as a nice little church home.  We had communion and the last couple of times I’ve had communion, it has been such a powerful experience for me, I wouldn’t be able to even put into words, but I think it has to do with a growing spiritual relationship with Christ.  I spent the day with my Mamaw, my Mom had to work and Dad was at home, but overall it was a good day, except when I started browsing the news feed on my facebook.

I’m Christian, I don’t claim to know everything about everything.  I try very hard not to judge people on anything, I mesh well with people of all nationalities, religious backgrounds, sexual preferences, etc…but I really find it offensive when someone bashes Jesus on any day, but specifically on Easter.  I get that some people aren’t believers I get that so much, but some of the things people post about, and some of the memes that are posted with crucifixion pictures and jokes are just terribly offensive to me.  I’m not sure when that started bothering me, but it’s truly enough for me to want to get off social media entirely.  Instead, I’ve been hitting that unfriend button quite frequently today and though that doesn’t help the cause, I’m ridding myself of negative energy.

I get that people don’t have the same beliefs, I understand that we are born with free will, and come to Christ at our own pace, if even at all but I don’t understand how the biggest sacrifice ever made, can be mocked all these years later.  Someone died, all the worlds pain was put on the back of this man, to free us of our sins and yet we mock Him all these years later just like he was mocked on the cross?  It makes you really wonder about society.  I know I’m not perfect, no one is, no one will be except for Christ himself, but I can’t believe how tacky adults can be.  Lately to me all Facebook and other social media forms are nothing but a means to brag about what we have and what we don’t have, where we’re going and where we’ve been, don’t get me wrong I’m guilty of all this too, but lately its just really been weighing on my mind.

So what do I do?  A fast of social media in my life needs to happen I believe.  It’s getting to the point that I dread signing onto things lately.  I’m proposing a shutdown of my facebook, snapchat, instagram for the course of one month.  Possibly keeping instagram going because I am a new photographer and trying to get some sort of following on this blog and or my photos.  I’d still be available via this blog and email, but just wouldn’t be so active on facebook.  I tried this experiment with Tumblr I guess about a year ago, and I kind of sort of never went back.

Posting this, maybe I’m being judgmental, but I don’t make it a point to publicly bash ones beliefs, and I was very offended today by some of the things I saw out there.  How can I be more of a kind, compassionate person, when it comes to social media, with a more positive social presence, than I am being now?  Am I realizing that what I say day to day, can be seen by just about anyone and is it something that might be offending someone else as well?  Something to think about, before I post.

Word art and work thoughts…

But, what if this is really what it’s all about?  What if there are no real answers and no real questions?  What if we really are just supposed to trust in Jesus?  Of course we are, but what if we trusted in Him, and didn’t worry about trivial things.  He makes sure birds eat, are we not just as important as birds?  When your world crumbles, who do you seek first?  Most of us know, that it should be Him.  In fact, it just gets worse when we try to hide, or think that we can manage on our own.  Sometimes we have to throw our hands up and be okay with asking for help.  Sometimes we all need help, and that’s okay.  Hard to admit, but okay to need a little help, or even a lot of help.  Isolation is not good for us, even in the garden, God created a companion for Adam.  He knew all that time ago, that mankind was not meant to be alone.  But, we are never alone, even when we feel like it , as long as we open our heart to Him, he is always there, especially during the worst times.  What if we never understand how great His love is, it’s like nothing else in this world.  Without it, we would be hopeless.  Things of this world, are just that, things of THIS world.  I want to live my life not consumed by things of this world, because in the next world, where I plan to spend eternity, those things won’t matter at all.  They will be left behind in this world.  Our entire lives will be left behind for someone else to keep, to discard, to sort.  We can’t take them with us, which if you think about it, kind of makes you want to stop collecting all this clutter that will be left behind.  I own one Bible, really two but I use only one, for the most part daily, that I’ve had since I was 8 or so.  At the same time, I have too many pairs of shoes to count.  I feel like this should be some sort of metaphor about life.  Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?  Yes, I do have sentimental attachment to that particular Bible, but it feeds my soul daily, why not have several?  One day, my words may be the only part of me that remains a part of this world.  Did I use them wisely?  Did I use them to harm or to help others?  Did I use them at all, or did I just keep them to myself, bottled up so as not to be scared of what reaction might come from the words that I wrote.  Comfortable is not safe, being scared is safe.  Take the world by its ears, and don’t let go until it gives you exactly what you want, and if you don’t get it, that’s alright.  At least you tried.  No one has ever regretted trying, but lots of people have regretted not even having the guts to make a move, to take a risk, to take a chance.  Life is what you make it.  The darkness doesn’t last forever, you got to fight it, don’t let it consume you because given the chance it will.  No one knows what you are feeling inside, but you.  Your friends are your friends for a reason.  Tell them what’s going on, let them help you.  I guarantee you they care.  I guarantee you someone cares, even when your head tells you otherwise.  Don’t listen to your head, unless its telling you good things.  I promise you we all feel what you’re feeling.  You aren’t weird because you’re hurting.  Everyone hurts sometimes.  The hurt, is a part of life and I promise it gets better.  I was in an abusive relationship for several years.  Not only physically, but emotionally abusive as well.  What can I say from that experience?  It gets better!  Don’t ever listen to negativity from anyone.  You are not worthless, you are everything to someone, you are no ones punching bag, not even your own.  Love doesn’t hurt, and if you think it does, the hurt will never stop.  You deserve love, everyone does, even you Amber.  Don’t let yourself think otherwise.  A couple bad experiences shouldn’t shut you down forever to the idea of love.  The idea of love is a concept that you will spend years trying to define as well as trying to tell yourself that you don’t need it.  But, secretly wishing that you had it.  Everyone loves differently, and that’s okay.  Your not great with words when it comes to emotions.  Your friends hurt and you don’t know what to do, so you hurt right along side them when all you actually want to do is give them a giant hug and assure them that everything will be okay.  It will be okay.  Even the darkest night makes way for a morning full of light and new opportunities to change the previous days events.  You can’t save them all Amber.  Sometimes people have to learn how to live on their own.  What do you say when you are speechless?  Sometimes it doesn’t even matter anyway.  The wrong things keep happening to the wrong people, because they keep letting it happen.  Meaning, a negative mind and heart, lead to a negative life.  There is no easy way to be positive when all you think about are bad thoughts.  What can I say?  We all live different lives.  Some people are stronger than others, some people don’t know what to say and some people take the easy way out.  I don’t want to take the easy way out and I don’t want you to take the easy way out.  If your alone in this life, I get being scared, but you are not alone…so don’t be scared.  New adventures are around the corner, but you have to make it there first.  How are you to live an exciting new life in a new place if you can’t even live to see it?

Once again this post is something I did at work.  I kind of just turned the paper in squares, starting from the middle and just wrote whatever came to mind.  I’ve got a bunch on my mind as usual and I’m not sure how to say everything that I need to say or how to fix everything that I need to fix.  Tomorrow is another day though, and I’ll try again.  I’ll try every day to be a little bit better, and I hope you will too. 

 

Random thoughts at work

I keep reading these books about other peoples lives and I desperately want to tell my story someday.  But, who am I that I’d have an interesting story to tell?  A story worth reading.  Do people read anymore?  I could tell you that I’m wise beyond my years, but really everything I could tell you about life, is from mistakes I’ve made living.  Wisdom comes from experience.  Have I had experience?  I am one of those few people that have manners still.  I hold doors for people, do the whole yes mamn no sir stuff, give my seat up to elders, all that jazz, its just how I was raised.  I still make mistakes, i still feel like I’m being judged by others, yet I still judge others.  I still make promises that I know I can’t keep, put others feelings before my own…it’s just something that I do.  I still think my Mom and Dad hung the moon, they hung my moon.  They provided for me before I even knew that I needed to be provided for.  I still don’t know what love is, and at this stage in my life, I don’t think I ever will.  Let me rephrase that, I know God’s love, and how remarkable that is, but as far as mortal love, I’m not sure its meant for me.  I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for.  I missed two days of my writing challenge, I’m forever breaking goals, not keeping them.  I still don’t know how to apologize, or how to explain the war going on in my head and how it consumes my body, my actions.  Grief, cuts me like a knife, and I’m not sure how to fight back.  I don’t have the answers to why I can’t cry, why I can’t do housework, why I can’t go places by myself, but I’m trying.  I see people for who they are, yet I refuse to participate in their label if it doesn’t suit me.  I miss my friends, yet I ignore them completely.  I hate being alone yet I live for the solitude of my room.  I keep waiting for you to walk through that door, but I have no idea who you are , and what door you’ll walk through, or if my life is even at a place for anyone to even attempt walking into.  No I don’t feel sorry for myself.  Yes I do.  No I don’t think that my life was ruined by one person in particular.  Yes I do.  No I don’t resent them but yes I do.  I’m comfortable in life, but I want to be scared.  I’m too scared to be anything but comfortable at this particular moment of my life.  If I write about my life, will anyone care?  Have I ever lived life?  Am I just wasting it?  My dad went blind when he was 30, will I go blind in my thirties?  How would I live without my eyes?  How does my dad live without his eyes?  Do my parents know I love them?  Do I take them for granted?  Do I ever let them know that despite me taking them for granted, I love them so very much?  How will I ever come to terms with what little time I have on Earth with my loved ones?  I know I have eternity with them in Heaven, but how will I be able to wait without hurting?  Is it possible to die of a broken heart?  Will my Mamaw be okay?  What is this pain that I feel I’ve felt when I haven’t even begun to feel the pain that comes from losing someone so dear.  What does that feel like?  Will I ever love someone like that?  I’ve been through a breakup, but never having that person that I loved with all my heart, there to grow old with when we promised forever?  Why is forever not long enough?  How does it feel to lose something like that?  Is Mamaw okay?  Will she ever be okay?  Can I take some of her pain away somehow?  I’d gladly take all that pain away if I knew the right things to say or do.  What if I never met you?  What if you never cared?  Did you ever care?  Have you ever been so selfish that nothing mattered but you?  Am I selfish?  Will I ever grow up?  What does growing up consist of?  What if you never left?  Have I ever left?  Will I ever leave?  What constitutes as leaving?  Do you know I changed my number?  Did you ever try to call?  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever miss me?  Even a little bit?  Even at all?  Do you ever think about how one little thing could have changed the whole outcome of your life?  What if I moved to Austin?  Would that have been right for me?  Does anybody know what they really want?  Will they find it?  What do I really want?  Will I find it?  I’ve been better, but what’s better?  Will I ever be Okay?  Is anyone Okay?  If love is all you need, why are most people so miserable?  Does real love even exist anymore?  Does every one cheat on everyone now?  Is that what love on Earth has come down to?  If you were stranded on the side of the freeway at 1 am, who would you call?  Would they come?  Or would you have to call a tow truck because they couldn’t be bothered?  I wonder if Granny W and Granny Z are okay.  What’s heaven like?  Is it really all its cracked up to be?  I hope so.  Is Papal okay?  Was he sad leaving Mamaw?  Does love like that exist anymore?  What if it doesn’t?  Does anyone read this?  Is anyone there?  Does anyone care?  If I quit my job tomorrow, what would I do?  Would I be okay?  Should I quit my job?  Why am I not doing my job?  Does it even matter?  What actually matters?  Does any of this?  Will I actually type all of this?  Why do I keep comparing my life to others?  My life is my own, the things that I do are of my own will.  If I have a problem, I should change it and not look at what others have accomplished as some sort of threat.  Everything will work out at some point.  Is it not working out right now?  No really is it?  Or is it not?  Sometimes I really feel the need to desperately reach out to old friends.  Sometimes I see that we probably can’t be friends anymore.  People change, and as much as that sucks, sometimes you lose people from your past.  You can try and fight it and just feel really shitty when you reach out to people who don’t care.  Realize that they don’t care anymore, and that that isn’t a bad thing necessarily, and it isn’t your fault or their fault, it’s just that life goes on and people change.  While you’re out there living life, so are they.  It’s not necessarily the same anymore, your interests can change as well as theirs.  Just because you aren’t into the same things that they are, that doesn’t make you any less, or your time or companionship any less, it’s just different.  You might soon cross paths with someone else who has the same interests and if not, okay, that’s fine too.  Everything will work out in the end, or will it?  What if it doesn’t?  What if I feel like this forever?  How do I feel?  What causes it?  What am I supposed to feel like?  How do you know?  A sea of words, a sea of thoughts that come to fast to capture, to write down before they exit.  They become forgotten thoughts, forgotten words.  Were they important?  Will I ever think those same thoughts again?  Will I have new thoughts that are better, or just easier to remember?  What if my last adventure, was my last adventure?  What was my last adventure?

These are the words and thoughts I captured on a piece of paper at work yesterday.  I feel asleep typing them last night, no really.  I fell asleep at the keyboard with my light on and woke up at 6 am this morning.  I’ll upload a photo of how I wrote this, it was on a piece of paper diagonally written and it was just a free flow of the thoughts in my head.  I really like what came out of this.

  

Hotel room poetry 

I wrote this after my devotional tonight, not really much to it but, let me know what you think.

When you moved away that day, what could I say?

Ok…

I fumbled with those words knowing that I would never again be “ok”

I watched that last load go up on that truck and thought, this is it.

There goes my life…

You pulled away without a second glance and tears streamed down my face.

What do I do now?

When I moved away, I said ok…here is my life.

I unpacked that last bag and thought, this is a new beginning. 

A place of my own, a place to find just who I am and what I want.

I said goodbye to you that day, I said goodbye to my past thinking that I had said goodbye to my future.

The day I moved away, I never looked back. 

Goodbye past, hello future.  Today I take over, this is my story now.

And with a click of a button…

Today, I decided I’ll try something new.  I’m going to go to my photos and randomly click a number and tell you all a story that has something to do with said pic.  Sound good?  Okay, here goes…IMG_0975  Such a beautiful place, Shakespeare’s garden in Central Park in New York City which I just so happened to visit during the weekend of September 11th.  I’ve been to New York once before, a few years ago.  Did not enjoy it very much that first time because the cost and the rental car distracted me from this beautiful city.  The friends I went with had their own issues and I was kind of getting hurt about not seeing what I wanted to see, so the day before my last day I took off on my own in the great and lovely New York City.  First stop, Central Park.  I desperately wanted to sit in the park for a few hours and both write as well as read my book that I had brought along with me.  I woke myself up at about 6 am went down and chowed down on the free breakfast at the hotel and then I was off on my merry way.  One thing about me, I am super shy so I was afraid to ask for directions another thing about me, I am a horrible map follower!  I am so happy that we have GPS now days, it makes not getting lost so much easier!  I grabbed a map and began to walk the 27 blocks to Central Park.  I was told I wouldn’t make it, but I totally did!  I got there and wow I was taken aback by the beauty of that park.  I was inspired the second my feet hit that park.  What an amazing little piece of nature, and heaven among the hustle and bustle of this large and fast paced city.  I grabbed a map and set out to see all the sights that the gentlemen that stopped to ask me to ride on a horse drawn carriage, said I would not be able to see all in a day.  I did not want to ride around that park, I wanted to explore it with my own two feet.  I got there about 7 am and stayed there until about noon walking the whole time except to write and to check an item off my bucket list.  My bucket list is pretty simple, I want to see all fifty states before I die, I want to see a few stellar artists that i enjoy listening to, I now want to skydive for my 30th year and I wanted to have a hot dog in Central Park.  I had the best hot dog in the history of hot dogs in Central Park at the boat house, that over looked a beautiful lake with paddle boats the view was breathtaking.  This particular photo, I navigated my way to this garden.  I thought to myself, meh Shakespeare and a garden probably something I don’t necessarily need to see but boy was I wrong.  The steps that lead up to this beautifully secluded oasis, intrigued me right away.  I felt so at peace, I immediately found a place to sit and began writing away.  I think that I probably wouldn’t want to live in New York, just because I’m happy to call Texas my home, but if I am ever able to do what I love for a living, I could totally see myself coming up to New York and writing.  The power of my words alone in Central Park was something that I never have experienced.  I am so thankful to be able to see what I have seen.  I spent a good 7 years or so in a really awful relationship, I was miserable.  I wasn’t “allowed” to do things for myself, to see the world like I had dreamed so the second I broke free from that possession, the world was my oyster.  I’m living life, the way I feel is right, one step at a time.  I no longer have time for negative people who weigh me down.  I do enough of that to myself.  Life is too short to be miserable, especially when you have a huge support system that want to see you do well.  To anyone out there that’s in a relationship that is controlling or abusive, don’t be in it.  Stick up for yourself and be selfish for once and see that you do not need that person, or their negativity in your life.  When I broke free, a fog was lifted from my sight.  What a waste of my time to chase around a person who wasn’t a part of my life plan.  No one should ever treat you unkindly, you have no reason to put up with that from anyone.  The answer to the question, is no, they will not change no matter how much they try to convince you that they will.  That first time he raises a finger to you, abandon ship, and I mean post haste.  No one deserves to be the victim of abuse and please, even if we are strangers, if you need to talk to someone, know that I am always here for any and all of my tiny little audience and, if I haven’t told you guys lately, I very much appreciate you reading whatever words I might think to write.  Live life, love and cherish the people that you love, and don’t make time for the people that are unkind to you.  Life’s too short to waste it miserable.  I read in my devotional today that Jesus always wants to be with you, always wants to be a part of your life.  I am quick to push people away, especially Christ, but he wants to celebrate our joy when we are celebrating, and he wants to comfort us when we are hurting.  No matter how you feel, you are never alone if Christ is by your side.