Take me back to the night we met

Just trying to make sense of it all,

And find peace with it.

Indifference is bliss,

But my mind wanders sometimes…

And wonders…

But it’s all good,

Because seeing is believing

And I’m not seeing it anymore

Or you.

Life is all about that balance,

And I’ll keep getting there slowly.

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We found each other in the dark

But, at least we saved each other from ourselves,Before we destroyed each other.I still maintain, that we didn’t know better.We were just kids, trying to grasp on to love somehow, even when we couldn’t love ourselves.Even when we still can’t love ourselves.

Boom goes the dynamite!

What is it like to be hit with that creative bug, and actually know what to do with it before it leaves you?  So many ideas run through my head, and so fast that I tend to not get them down before they are mere memories of an idea lost.  I haven’t really spent much time honing these talents I believe myself to have.  If I’m not working on these talents, working on sharpening my writing skills, I am merely wasting them.  I don’t really feel like wasting them anymore, I want to embrace them, every single little idea that runs through me, I want to capture it before it leaves.  I’m going to start bringing a notebook with me everywhere I go to capture them all.  I do carry paper with me everywhere, but I haven’t written ideas down in a long while.  Here goes nothing…

Hotel room poetry 

I wrote this after my devotional tonight, not really much to it but, let me know what you think.

When you moved away that day, what could I say?

Ok…

I fumbled with those words knowing that I would never again be “ok”

I watched that last load go up on that truck and thought, this is it.

There goes my life…

You pulled away without a second glance and tears streamed down my face.

What do I do now?

When I moved away, I said ok…here is my life.

I unpacked that last bag and thought, this is a new beginning. 

A place of my own, a place to find just who I am and what I want.

I said goodbye to you that day, I said goodbye to my past thinking that I had said goodbye to my future.

The day I moved away, I never looked back. 

Goodbye past, hello future.  Today I take over, this is my story now.

Challenge Accepted!

Once again, yours truly has been challenged!  Well we all know this girl has balls (its an inside joke, ask me about it some day) so I accepted!  For the month of November I will be expected to write 1000 words daily.  To keep up with this, I will be writing here.  I will also open the floor to any suggestions, topics to write about, prompts etc if you should so choose to throw your blogger here a bone.  I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be lately.  That’s always the topic at large in my head.  I am in desperate need of a new home church.  It keeps revealing itself in my devotionals and in the back of my mind, I just keep coming back to the same thing.  I need a home church!  Its one thing to read my Bible every day, but quite another to discuss what I am learning and being able to receive feedback of what others are getting from what they are reading.  I’m craving this so much lately.  I am setting a short term goal for myself.  By the end of this year, I will at least be regularly visiting churches, or have found my new home church.  This needs to happen for me to continue on my journey and I have to stop avoiding it.  As a sidebar, my other short term goal is to go to the doctor before the end of my health insurance year which is like March.  I have avoided the doctor even longer than I have avoided going to church.  I am almost positive if not completely positive that I stopped going to church when my great grandma passed away, 4 years ago.  Shame on Amber!  That feels awful to actually admit.  I’m reading a book at the moment I believe its called Shine I think its written by the Newsboys and it talks about how you can tell who the true practicing, give my life to God, christians are based on where they are in life.  Not necessarily status, but whether they are living for Christ, or just living for this world.  My life has been pretty much the same for a few years and I feel like that is because I’m not actually giving Christ my all.  I am sitting here thinking to myself, well you don’t drink, you don’t do drugs, you read your Bible thats enough to get you to Heaven…but is it?  If I’m not blogging, and I’m not writing, then I’m wasting the talent that God gave me.  If I’m wasting my talent, then I am not using it for his good.  If I’m not doing things for Him then why even bother?  I should be furthering His kingdom rather than my own.  We get tied up in our Earthly possessions that we don’t see that they are just that, Earthly possessions.  As much as I’d love to add a tow hitch to my casket, and fill a trailer of all my possessions to take with me to Heaven, at this present time that is just not able to happen.  I feel like I’m jumping all around in this post but bare with me.  I look around at all this clutter I’ve collected in my 29 years and I think to myself, why?  Does it make me happy?  Momentarily maybe but not always and just for a little bit.  That is something I am always trying to find an answer to, how do I make myself happy?  There have been plenty of times where I’ve said to myself, if only I had this gadget, I’d be content or if I had this one, or this one but then after I get said gadget, that feeling of not being complete comes back.  I’ve found that I, myself, am only truly happy when I am putting Christ first.  That’s not to say that by putting Him first, all my problems are erased, because that’s simply not true.  However, by putting Him first, I see that when I am down and out He is there with me.  He never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.  I need His help to keep me going on this path that I want to be going down.  I need to know someone believes in me when I do not.  I know a lot of people believe in me, but sometimes that doesn’t mean anything when you aren’t feeling it yourself.  Moral of the story, by the end of the year I will find me a new church home!  I am determined to make this happen!  This here is a practice post to determine how hard its going to be to write 1000 words and let me tell you, its not going to be easy!  The thing about my life is that it’s not mine.  When have I had all of the bad vibes coming at me, that is when I think that this life is mine.  When I give my life to Christ, i see that even when bad vibes are coming my way, it’s all good because I have Christ on my side and we are like the power team ready to just kick those bad vibes outta the ball park.  But why then?  For the story.  I want to live my life for the story that we are going to create, for the story that I might create.  I’ve wanted to write since I was a kid when I was like 6 everyone would ask me what I wanted to be and my answer was always a writer.  How can I be a writer if I don’t work on this skill and perfect it.   If I even have this skill that I think I have.  Maybe I’m not cut out to do what I’ve dreamed about my entire life but if I’m not willing to fall flat on my face trying, then what is the point?  Til we meet again readers.

Poem #20

This is one of the poems that I wrote as part of the 30 poems in 30 days challenge.

Keep it simple

Hand in hand

I will be yours if you be mine

Divine

A strand in time

A journey that we both are part of.

The waves lapping in the sea.

I think that you are a large piece of me.

You see, I was broken for a long time then you Came to be a part of my mind and in that instant life changed.

My life changed.

Not sure how our paths crossed 

Or if this is meant to be or even if  you know how much you mean to me.

How much this means to me.

The storm rages, but your heart is my light house.  You shine my way home.

Fresh bed, fresh head

Fresh mindset.  Starting over fresh and with a positive mind.  Blah, blah blah…but it feels good!  Two days back with the devotionals and I just came back from the gym woot.  I have a short term/long term goal depending on your definition of time, I am going to jump out of a plane for my 30th birthday!  This gives me something to look forward to I am hoping to slim down a bit before then as well.  The thought has occurred to me that maybe it all works itself out.  I’m thinking really hard about what my next step is.  I can’t say that I know the answer to that question but lets just say that it is finally making its presence known in my head.  Hey Amber, what’s next?  You, know if money wasn’t an issue and you were to ask me what my dream job would be, first and foremost I’ve always wanted to be a writer, that’s a given.  But if I could have any job on Earth, I’d be some semi popular bands merch girl.  I would love to travel the world with a band, sell their gear and even promote/book them.  This is something I’ve wanted to do for years since my buddies had their own bands.  So, if there happens to be a member of a band that would want to feed me, house me, and road trip me all around, inquire here!  Will help drive, and I have a clean and clear driving record.  I have super strength and if you show me how to break down your equipment I’ll help do that too!  What better way to see the world then to travel with a band?  I also have great music taste!