We found each other in the dark

But, at least we saved each other from ourselves,Before we destroyed each other.I still maintain, that we didn’t know better.We were just kids, trying to grasp on to love somehow, even when we couldn’t love ourselves.Even when we still can’t love ourselves.

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But, what do I write about?

When you are given basically free range to write whatever you are thinking, or whatever inspires you, what do you write about?  Faith based blogging is what I believe I started my blog to be, but have I stuck to that?  To me, my blog has been a bit dark, has opened up a world to my frustrations, but with the Lenten season among us, I’m going to attempt to make my blog more faith based, and less frustrated rants.  40 days, 40 blogs?  Perhaps…I’m not sure what if any of what I write will be something that I would want, or be proud to show, or proud to print to a church congregation type audience, but I know that it would be great to get back into the practice of writing.  In this season of reflection, I’ve got to come back to myself and really think, is this the person that I want to be?  All these life changes going on, and different paths that one could go down, how do we even begin to know which way is the right way?  This Lent, I want to really put myself on the drawing board, and really think about how I can get closer to God, how I can change myself for the better, and how to be a better Christian.  It’s time for a plan, I’m tired of this mindless day by day living, I’m ready to find meaning in the everyday struggles.  I’m ready to find meaning in every day that I am blessed with.

And with a click of a button…

Today, I decided I’ll try something new.  I’m going to go to my photos and randomly click a number and tell you all a story that has something to do with said pic.  Sound good?  Okay, here goes…IMG_0975  Such a beautiful place, Shakespeare’s garden in Central Park in New York City which I just so happened to visit during the weekend of September 11th.  I’ve been to New York once before, a few years ago.  Did not enjoy it very much that first time because the cost and the rental car distracted me from this beautiful city.  The friends I went with had their own issues and I was kind of getting hurt about not seeing what I wanted to see, so the day before my last day I took off on my own in the great and lovely New York City.  First stop, Central Park.  I desperately wanted to sit in the park for a few hours and both write as well as read my book that I had brought along with me.  I woke myself up at about 6 am went down and chowed down on the free breakfast at the hotel and then I was off on my merry way.  One thing about me, I am super shy so I was afraid to ask for directions another thing about me, I am a horrible map follower!  I am so happy that we have GPS now days, it makes not getting lost so much easier!  I grabbed a map and began to walk the 27 blocks to Central Park.  I was told I wouldn’t make it, but I totally did!  I got there and wow I was taken aback by the beauty of that park.  I was inspired the second my feet hit that park.  What an amazing little piece of nature, and heaven among the hustle and bustle of this large and fast paced city.  I grabbed a map and set out to see all the sights that the gentlemen that stopped to ask me to ride on a horse drawn carriage, said I would not be able to see all in a day.  I did not want to ride around that park, I wanted to explore it with my own two feet.  I got there about 7 am and stayed there until about noon walking the whole time except to write and to check an item off my bucket list.  My bucket list is pretty simple, I want to see all fifty states before I die, I want to see a few stellar artists that i enjoy listening to, I now want to skydive for my 30th year and I wanted to have a hot dog in Central Park.  I had the best hot dog in the history of hot dogs in Central Park at the boat house, that over looked a beautiful lake with paddle boats the view was breathtaking.  This particular photo, I navigated my way to this garden.  I thought to myself, meh Shakespeare and a garden probably something I don’t necessarily need to see but boy was I wrong.  The steps that lead up to this beautifully secluded oasis, intrigued me right away.  I felt so at peace, I immediately found a place to sit and began writing away.  I think that I probably wouldn’t want to live in New York, just because I’m happy to call Texas my home, but if I am ever able to do what I love for a living, I could totally see myself coming up to New York and writing.  The power of my words alone in Central Park was something that I never have experienced.  I am so thankful to be able to see what I have seen.  I spent a good 7 years or so in a really awful relationship, I was miserable.  I wasn’t “allowed” to do things for myself, to see the world like I had dreamed so the second I broke free from that possession, the world was my oyster.  I’m living life, the way I feel is right, one step at a time.  I no longer have time for negative people who weigh me down.  I do enough of that to myself.  Life is too short to be miserable, especially when you have a huge support system that want to see you do well.  To anyone out there that’s in a relationship that is controlling or abusive, don’t be in it.  Stick up for yourself and be selfish for once and see that you do not need that person, or their negativity in your life.  When I broke free, a fog was lifted from my sight.  What a waste of my time to chase around a person who wasn’t a part of my life plan.  No one should ever treat you unkindly, you have no reason to put up with that from anyone.  The answer to the question, is no, they will not change no matter how much they try to convince you that they will.  That first time he raises a finger to you, abandon ship, and I mean post haste.  No one deserves to be the victim of abuse and please, even if we are strangers, if you need to talk to someone, know that I am always here for any and all of my tiny little audience and, if I haven’t told you guys lately, I very much appreciate you reading whatever words I might think to write.  Live life, love and cherish the people that you love, and don’t make time for the people that are unkind to you.  Life’s too short to waste it miserable.  I read in my devotional today that Jesus always wants to be with you, always wants to be a part of your life.  I am quick to push people away, especially Christ, but he wants to celebrate our joy when we are celebrating, and he wants to comfort us when we are hurting.  No matter how you feel, you are never alone if Christ is by your side.

Challenge Accepted!

Once again, yours truly has been challenged!  Well we all know this girl has balls (its an inside joke, ask me about it some day) so I accepted!  For the month of November I will be expected to write 1000 words daily.  To keep up with this, I will be writing here.  I will also open the floor to any suggestions, topics to write about, prompts etc if you should so choose to throw your blogger here a bone.  I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be lately.  That’s always the topic at large in my head.  I am in desperate need of a new home church.  It keeps revealing itself in my devotionals and in the back of my mind, I just keep coming back to the same thing.  I need a home church!  Its one thing to read my Bible every day, but quite another to discuss what I am learning and being able to receive feedback of what others are getting from what they are reading.  I’m craving this so much lately.  I am setting a short term goal for myself.  By the end of this year, I will at least be regularly visiting churches, or have found my new home church.  This needs to happen for me to continue on my journey and I have to stop avoiding it.  As a sidebar, my other short term goal is to go to the doctor before the end of my health insurance year which is like March.  I have avoided the doctor even longer than I have avoided going to church.  I am almost positive if not completely positive that I stopped going to church when my great grandma passed away, 4 years ago.  Shame on Amber!  That feels awful to actually admit.  I’m reading a book at the moment I believe its called Shine I think its written by the Newsboys and it talks about how you can tell who the true practicing, give my life to God, christians are based on where they are in life.  Not necessarily status, but whether they are living for Christ, or just living for this world.  My life has been pretty much the same for a few years and I feel like that is because I’m not actually giving Christ my all.  I am sitting here thinking to myself, well you don’t drink, you don’t do drugs, you read your Bible thats enough to get you to Heaven…but is it?  If I’m not blogging, and I’m not writing, then I’m wasting the talent that God gave me.  If I’m wasting my talent, then I am not using it for his good.  If I’m not doing things for Him then why even bother?  I should be furthering His kingdom rather than my own.  We get tied up in our Earthly possessions that we don’t see that they are just that, Earthly possessions.  As much as I’d love to add a tow hitch to my casket, and fill a trailer of all my possessions to take with me to Heaven, at this present time that is just not able to happen.  I feel like I’m jumping all around in this post but bare with me.  I look around at all this clutter I’ve collected in my 29 years and I think to myself, why?  Does it make me happy?  Momentarily maybe but not always and just for a little bit.  That is something I am always trying to find an answer to, how do I make myself happy?  There have been plenty of times where I’ve said to myself, if only I had this gadget, I’d be content or if I had this one, or this one but then after I get said gadget, that feeling of not being complete comes back.  I’ve found that I, myself, am only truly happy when I am putting Christ first.  That’s not to say that by putting Him first, all my problems are erased, because that’s simply not true.  However, by putting Him first, I see that when I am down and out He is there with me.  He never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.  I need His help to keep me going on this path that I want to be going down.  I need to know someone believes in me when I do not.  I know a lot of people believe in me, but sometimes that doesn’t mean anything when you aren’t feeling it yourself.  Moral of the story, by the end of the year I will find me a new church home!  I am determined to make this happen!  This here is a practice post to determine how hard its going to be to write 1000 words and let me tell you, its not going to be easy!  The thing about my life is that it’s not mine.  When have I had all of the bad vibes coming at me, that is when I think that this life is mine.  When I give my life to Christ, i see that even when bad vibes are coming my way, it’s all good because I have Christ on my side and we are like the power team ready to just kick those bad vibes outta the ball park.  But why then?  For the story.  I want to live my life for the story that we are going to create, for the story that I might create.  I’ve wanted to write since I was a kid when I was like 6 everyone would ask me what I wanted to be and my answer was always a writer.  How can I be a writer if I don’t work on this skill and perfect it.   If I even have this skill that I think I have.  Maybe I’m not cut out to do what I’ve dreamed about my entire life but if I’m not willing to fall flat on my face trying, then what is the point?  Til we meet again readers.